Insecure Writer's Support Group: Probably the Most Damaging Insecurity I've Ever Had

Gosh, I can't believe it's time for another IWSG post again. For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, the Insecure Writer's Support Group is a bloghop where we share our fears, doubts and insecurities once a month. The idea is for everyone to see they're not alone in what they're feeling, and also for everyone to encourage each other, or to give advice if you've been there and made it through. If you would like more information or to sign up, just click here.

Also, I have this exact blog post up on Wordpress in case you prefer to read there. 

I actually considered skipping today, because man, I've been having some serious troubles writing. 

But here's the thing. I realized earlier that the major insecurity I've been suffering from for the past two or three months is a lie. 

So I thought I'd share a bit of what's going on with me. Finally figured out a way in which to put my feelings in a publishable format. 

There's a bit of a challenge, because I can't really explain why I felt this way. I did explain on my Patreon page, since I wanted my patrons to know where I am in my life, but I couldn't make it a public posting, because I have quite a good reason not to want to put everything up in public unfiltered where a Google Search can pick it up. So. If you want to see a full picture, I'm afraid it's going to cost a dollar. If not, no pressure. I think you'll be able to get by without the full picture. 

Why? Because I'm a writer, damn it. I'll make it work. 

Right. 

So. 

*Deep breath.*

Basically from the beginning of March, I stopped feeling like I had a future worth living for. 

Man. That sentence was harder than I thought. Already in tears. 

Okay. I can do this. 

From the beginning of March, I stopped feeling like I had a future worth living for. Basically for the past ten years, I've been keeping myself functioning by relentlessly chasing down my dream of becoming a writer, and then later of making a living off my writing skills. 

And that was great, because there was always something to work towards. A book to write/edit. Marketing to do... And so on and so forth. 

But then partly thanks to a very close relative and some supposed "friends," my life started to unravel in 2014. 

And it kept on unraveling. 

And kept on unraveling. 

To the point where in March, I stopped being able to even hope that one day it would be okay. It didn't help that I was already earning my living from writing and it just wasn't enough to stabilize the shit storm that my life has become. 

That was the worst. Because if I wasn't happy now, what was the point of building toward the future anyway? 

It started as a single thought that multiplied and multiplied until it became a belief that simply wouldn't go away. 

But here's the thing. 

It's a lie. Or worse, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

Because if I believe that my future is dead in the water, I'm going to stop trying to fight for it. And if I stop trying to fight for it, all hope is lost, and my future as I want it really will die. 

And today I had the blessing of being given a chance to step back and evaluate. And to remember that although I have a grand future planned, I also have a closer, smaller, more short-term future. One where I have a new book (or two) published. One where that book acts as a stepping stone to what I consider to be my empire. Also, one where after two years of putting it off, I have an actual proper author website and stuff. 

That smaller future is something I want. Badly. And it doesn't matter whether my life wants to fall to pieces. I have the skills and tools at my disposal to make that smaller future happen. 

But to do that, I have to stop lying to myself. I have to stop thinking that I'm going to be trapped in limbo forever. 

Maybe you're in the same boat as me. In which case, I want to remind you to stop lying to yourself as well. There is a future you want, and there is a way for you to get there. Once you remember that, it becomes easier to to figure out what you need to do and how to do it, regardless of what's going on in the present. 

Thanks for reading!

Insecure Writer's Support Group: It's Never as Good as You Remember

It's the first Wednesday of the month, which means it's time for the Insecure Writer's Support Group. The brainchild of Alex J. Cavanaugh, IWSG is a monthly bloghop where writers can share their doubts, fears and insecurities. In supporting each other, we can then see that we're really not alone. 

You're welcome to join. All you have to do is click here for more info and to sign up.

If you'd like to rather read this post on Wordpress, please click here. 

As I've been mentioning lately, I'm busy updating (and in a lot of ways, upgrading) my first two books in The War of Six Crowns. Since I'm a bit of a perfectionist, I couldn't leave things at changing the covers and fonts. Oh no, I decided to give the books another proofreading pass. 

After all, it's a well-known fact that mistakes slip through the finest of nets. So it couldn't hurt, right? 

Well. 

I finished reading through The Vanished Knight yesterday with a growing sense of insecurity. Not because it was bad, but because it was good. The characters' voices sing in this story. There's a sort of poetry to the way it's written. 

It's just... amazing. 

Almost to the point where it's shocking to think that I wrote it. 

And Book 3... just isn't on that level. 

And that got me down. 

But then I gave myself a mental slap. 

See, I first published The Vanished Knight in 2013. And before that, I spent two years struggling to get through writing it and the sequel. In fact, it was such a pain in my ass that I almost quit writing altogether. Gasp! I know it's hard to think that I'd seriously contemplate quitting. 

But The Vanished Knight and The Heir's Choice were so hard to write that it damn near convinced me I couldn't write for shit. 

Fortunately, I had a lot of awesome blogging buddies (including you guys in the IWSG) who could talk me down, and I didn't give up. 

After that, The Vanished Knight alone when through over 30 (count them. THIRTY) revision and editing rounds to get it into the shape it's in now. 

And I guess I forgot about all that because one doesn't remember pain. 

But the history is there. 

The struggle was there. 

And expecting myself to draft out the sequel to the books that almost made me quit while expecting it to look like The Vanished Knight looks now is lunacy. 

So this is a reminder.

Don't ever compare your drafts to books that have been published. (Be they your own or someone else's.) 

Those books look so good because of a huge amount of work that went into polishing them. Work that you still need to do, but that you can't do if you're crippled by the idea that you're a bad writer. 

So. 

Stop moping because a book is soooooo much better than yours, and just write yours. Who knows? The book you're working on right now might just be good enough to send someone else moping later. 

Do you get down when comparing the quality of your writing to published works? 

Before you go, the Mni Wiconi Bloghop in support of Standing Rock has been extended to 7 January, if you'd still like to sign up. There are prizes to be won too, so check it out. :-)

You've got that scary feeling...

Hey there, new kid. You know that feeling when you're about to start a new story?

That sense that you're not prepared. That you're never going to get the right story down and that the sentences will be all clunky and that your verbs will be weak and that there's absolutely NO WAY that you're going to make this story work.

Yeah. That feeling. The one that assails you the moment you face your first blank page.

Well... It never goes away. I've written for almost thirteen years now. I've finished... Two books to publishing standards, and five more rough drafts as well as four rewrites.

I've made all of those stories work except for one, and I'm working on it as soon as I put up this blog, because I now know what's wrong with it.

But last night, I started working on my mystery project and... I spent about fourteen hours playing games, two watching t.v. one and a half sleeping... Yeah. You get the idea. The amount of time I actually spent writing was about an hour.

All because every time I wanted to start, that feeling hit me. And me, choosing terrible moments to be undyingly optimistic about my writing, assumed I could start when the feeling went away.

Needless to say, it didn't. So by about 7 p.m. last night, I thought back to my previous drafts. With Doorways (the two publish quality books), I was all out terrified! I delayed starting by six months. SIX MONTHS. Because the thought of writing a story so epic and complex paralyzed me. ES, the book I'm writing yet again, has given me this feeling three times. Every time I tried to write it. With last year's NaNo, I got such terrible cold feet on October 31st that I almost gave up before I started.

But you know what? Whether something takes me a day, a week, months or even years, I always start an idea I have. Because if I didn't, nothing I ever wanted to write would get written, and my life would have been emptier for it.

So if you're about to start a new story and that feeling hits you, just chill. But do work through it. Because the only way to make the feeling fade for long enough to finish a story is to actually start writing it. Any you know what? Most of the time, those fears are unfounded anyway.

What was the worst time you got hit by this feeling? How long did it take you to start writing?

By the way, I posted more details on my query, synopsis, first chapter critique at Unicorn Bell. So if you need a fresh pair of eyes, please do check it out. :-)

In which I follow my own advice.

I just finished reading an awesome book. And it makes me want to write. So bad.

I haven't had this urge to write since finishing Doorways, really. And I love this feeling.

Even if it feels a lot like I'm going nuts.

My mind's whirring thoughts past so fast, I can't even really see them. I just know they're there. Hopefully, once I start writing, they'll pin down and I can write.

Right now is sort of inconvenient, though, since I'm still smack in the middle of edits. But you know what? I've been thinking.

While I wrote my previous post, I kept thinking of this once scene in the movie Center Stage. Now, I suspect that the ballet movie probably won't fall in everyone's tastes, but bear with me.

See in that movie is a scene that stayed with me ever since I saw it.

Basically, one of the main characters wants to be a Prima Ballerina, but feels like no one's giving her the chance she deserves. One evening, one of the teachers catches her practicing and gives her advice.

It's a bit of a long time since I watched the scene, but the gist is this:

No matter what, go back to the practice bar. If something goes well, go back. If someone upsets you. Go back. If you lose out at an audition, go back. Never give up. One day, your dedication will pay off.

That's the same for us writers. No matter what, we have to go back to writing. If someone gets an agent and you don't, write. If you're stuck on sub, write. If you feel like no one will see the talent you know you're gifted with, write. If you feel like you're not getting anywhere. If you missed out on yet another contest. If you missed a requested for partials by this much. If you're terrified of how your book will be received on the eve of publication.

Write. 

Write. 

Write. 

That dedication will pay off in some form.

And you know what? While I don't have a looming deadline on edits waiting, I'm going to follow my own advice. Who's with me?

Three Month Anniversary

Tomorrow is the three month anniversary of my publishing deal.

Time's rushed by at such speed that I'm a little dizzy.

Sometimes, it scares me. Every passing day brings me that much closer to publishing my book. To having my work pried from my nervous fingers and thrown open for the world to see.

I'm so terrified that it'll fail to gain an audience. After so much time spent just to get Doorways to a state worth publishing, it might just break my heart to see it flounder in the market.

Here, I know some of you are rolling your eyes. First books are stepping stones to the next ones. I've heard it before.

But the fact is that other books exist in my mind under Doorways. As in Doorways covers most of my creative thought. It's done so for over half a decade. The world, the history, the characters, everything exists there as if completely real. The other stories... well, they're real too, but only for a few weeks at a time before the beast that's the Doorways series drowns out all other voices once more.

So no. To me, it's my first book, but it'll never be a stepping stone. Except to launch me and my readers (one or one million of them) into the rest of the story.

And damn it, I still have a lot of this story to get out there. I don't want it to run out of steam after two books.

That terrifies me even more than just the first book failing. Because without telling the whole story, working so hard on the first quarter of it feels absolutely useless.

Needless to say, the speed of time running by is making me very nervous.

I know this has to be done, though. It's one of the things I'm made to do. Create stories and have others read them. For that to happen, I have to close my eyes and let my fears go.

Anyone about to be published feel the same way? For you published authors, how did you feel right before publishing?

A to Z Challenge: Failure

Mmm... today I'm seeing some shudders amongst those not-quite-so-new novelists among you.

For very. Very. Good reason.

Because failing sucks.

Really does.

And I'd be incredibly sympathetic except for a tiny little insignificant little truth that we vets know about and you don't. Stop giggling vets. I'm going to spoil your fun and tell them.

Brace yourselves, kids, it's a big one.

There is no such thing as a failed book.

You know those half finished works in progress hidden under your beds and in boxes and drawers? Nope. They're not failures. Not even the terrible ones.

Okay new kids, you can stop gaping. It's really true. Ask anyone who've been in the game for a while.

The reason for this is twofold:

Firstly, a failed book is only a failed book once you've given up on a story for ever. And I guarantee that you won't. The reason why I know is because of the second reason why failed books don't exist.

Every new project you start is a lesson in what works and what doesn't. So yeah. Some of your old stories will have sucked. But never all of it. Maybe there's an awesome character waiting to come to life. Or the basic premise was AMAZING but you didn't have the chops to pull it off.

Guess what. You're learning. Every time you take on a new story, you're learning. And if you have an open mind to what critique partners have to say... If you pay attention to the lessons other writers learnt (blogs are brilliant sources of this sort of information, by the way)... Guess what. You will learn even faster.

And once you have the chops, you have three choices. You can use everything you've learnt up to this point and write something completely different. Or you can go back to one of the previously imagined failed manuscripts. There, you can either rewrite the whole thing using your mad new writing skills, or you can recycle everything you can use and start something better with it.

So I'm asking you nicely. Please please stop being afraid of failing. Try being excited about learning instead. And if you have to give up on a project, don't get rid of it. Don't forget about it. Because something inside might just be what gives you a bestseller idea.

How have you used knowledge gained in "failed" writing projects?

Drafting for me

Thanks so much to the people who commented on Friday's post. You really talked me down from the panic I'd started to experience.

It really reminded me of something. No matter what people say, we writers have to trust our guts first.

I really stepped on a bad landmine with this WiP. Instead of worrying about the story, I worried about what people would think. I can't imagine an agent liking this. Or a reader liking it. Or even my CPs liking it. So I don't like it.

Thing is, writing a draft shouldn't be about what other people like. It's about what the story needs. Once the draft is done, I can look at it again and try to figure out how to make the story more tolerable for the people I mentioned above.

For now though, I shouldn't be worrying about them at all.

I should be writing the story according to its own internal logic. I should be discovering what that logic is. I should get to know and love my characters. I should discover the plot. At this stage, nothing else matters.

So that's what I'll do now. Just write, for me. Not worrying about what anyone might think of it. Heck, if no one likes the story by the end? So what? It's not like I'm writing only to publish. I can learn a lot just from writing. Things I can use for stories people do like. I won't be letting outsiders intrude on this draft again.

Do you also sometimes start to doubt yourself based on what other people might think about what you've written? How do you deal with it?

Overcoming Your Fear of Blogging

Hello Everyone in Misha-Land! Thanks so much for having me.

Today I’m going to share with you my fears about writing and what scares me to death when I sit down to blog each week. It’s a little bit dramatic, a lot personal and even more so about conquering my fear of hitting “submit” at the end of writing a post.

I have been journaling since I was a child and began blogging on Livejournal in 2000. These posts were filtered for only friends and acquaintances to see to keep up with my life. For a long time, I found much rejection from people who read my posts. I was judged in times of great pain, gossiped about when happy and general raked over the coals for being myself. It made my life a living hell because I also saw many of these people socially.

It seemed these “friends” didn’t know me as well as I thought. I slowly phased them out of my blog filter, one at a time. Eventually, I was at the point where every post I wrote felt it should be made private. I marveled at the point of that. I didn’t want to write my thoughts and feelings just for me, I wanted to share my life and connect with others as well.

For a time, I gave up blogging. My heart just wasn’t in it. I sat on the idea of wanting to blog for a few years but wasn’t sure how to start up again. I didn’t have any friends who blogged anymore and to write for the whole public to see, even though I knew I’d be lucky to get one or two readers, was terrifying. I had something to share that was important to me but I needed others to see it, otherwise I may as well be talking to myself.

I had so many questions this time around. What if I was rejected for being myself again? Should I put on a happy face and only post about specific topics, such as knitting? Or could I sprinkle in posts about how I’m feeling in my life as things happen? How much of me should I put out there? What if something I posted upset someone and made me lose friends again? (It did, but it was bound to happen.) What if a future employer read things they didn’t like? Would I not get hired?

I decided to take the plunge anyway. I created a new public blog and gave myself a fresh start. I chose not to tell anyone about it until I had a decent amount of content posted, as I was still feeling very insecure about the entire process. I fumbled my way through post after post, trying to figure out what worked and what didn’t. I was still struggling with how much of me to put out there and couldn’t see my way around it!

One morning, I stumbled across an article about this very topic. It spawned a great post that has changed the way I write my own blog. I instantly overcame my fear and now write whatever I want about anything I want without trepidation.

This is my advice to any writer, whether you are already published or just starting out, whether writing a book or a blog: Be true to yourself. Don’t be afraid to be who you are. You are one of a kind! Go share it with the world, it needs your voice. Hit “submit” already!

Bio 

Shannon Hunter is an Apparel Design & Merchandising major at WSU in Pullman, WA. She is also the fashion columnist for the university’s newspaper, “The Daily Evergreen”, and has her own blog here. She is an aspiring fiction writer who will be attempting NaNoWriMo 2012 in November and has been blogging since 2000. She hopes her urban fantasy trilogy will become a best-seller and allow her to design clothing and accessories on the side. Currently, she writes for several blogs, studies too much and spends more time knitting than she should.



Thank you very much for your inspiring post, Shannon. I also found out who my friends were when I started blogging. Anyone else have that experience?

Before I go, I just want to ask for some volunteers. Next week, I still have no takers and I don't know why. :-( It's a great way to get exposure to new bloggers and it's a lot of fun. I even give a them to inspire your thinking process without limiting your topics too much. November's them is Keeping Track. See? Easy. I also need a guest post for the 9th, and they're the last open GPF slots for the year, so if you're interested, please e-mail me at mishagericke(AT)gmail(DOT)com. 

Edit: Thank you very much for the good response. More people than required volunteered to post for the next two Fridays! You guys continue to be awesome! X

Have a great weekend!

Starting Out as a Film Critic

Thank you Misha for having me over here today.

You might know I write movie reviews. It took patience to acquire the love for film criticism. If you aren’t passionate about writing, your journey will feel like a chore.

I began blogging six months ago and it has changed tremendously how much time I spend writing. I comment on blogs most of the time and forget about writing. Social media is an expert at doing this to writers: more time on the internet and less time writing.

It took half of my life to realize writing is what I want for a career. Yes, I’ve always loved writing but never did I take the plunge on it right away. I was too scared to begin with because the writing business is competitive.

The less I write, I’m more perceptible to losing the ambition. If I simply don’t write, my dedication will decline. I’ll realize I’m writing less often when I should be writing my heart out. I don’t want this happen but it’s always in the ballgame with the blogosphere in my distraction.

It’s difficult to discover inspiration as an aspiring writer. You run out of original ideas and then what, visit the store and shop for some ideas? This isn’t the case for writers. You must climb up a steep mountain for several years only to find nothing at all.

If I don’t have ideas, I can’t write anything. It’s hard to come up with something right away. It takes staring off in space for hours until you find a piece of gold. Some people may question you, “What are you staring at?” Then you have to explain your story, “I’m an aspiring writer. I have to come up with ideas for my novel and blog.” People are very understanding especially when they can relate to you.

This is what I love about the blogosphere: you meet writers who understand what you’re going through. I don’t want to lose these friends that I’ve made and they amaze me every day.

I fear what every writer fears: losing the enthusiasm for writing and running out of ideas. You’re not alone, guys. We are all in the same boat, taking different writing journeys.

Bio

Livia Peterson is an aspiring film critic. She’s been writing film reviews since 2010 and has enjoyed every minute of it. She currently resides in Wisconsin with her family. You can check out her blog here.




Thanks so much for this guest post, Livia. I know exactly what you mean. 

Before I go, a little admin: I still have two more Guest Post Friday's available for the rest of the year: 2 and 9 November. The theme is Keeping Track. If you want to book one, please e-mail me at mishagericke(AT)gmail.com.

Have a great weekend all!

What's your biggest scare or writing fear? Want to write a guest post about it. ;-)
 

Key-Word Cavalry: My Greatest Fear

Today's key-phrase of choice is: "What is my greatest fear in writing."


Well... I obviously can't tell the person who'd done the search their biggest fear, but since I'm assuming their search is about the reasonable fears of being a writer, I thought I'd talk about that.


I think that all writers have two fears, although to varying degrees.


The first fear: That we're not as good as we thought we were.
The second fear: That we'll get our books out there and readers won't get what we've written or the book doesn't sell.


So... pretty much your run-of the mill fear of failure. Of course, when you're stuck in the grips of fear, it doesn't really feel all that normal.


But it's necessary to remember the following: Firstly: We're never as good as we think we are. We're always too critical or not critical enough. So accept it. Then there's nothing to be afraid of. But there will be things that we can do. We can write more to hone our craft to the best it can be. We can give our work to crit partners who will (if they're worth their salt) point out the errors and give you suggestions for improvement. That way you can see where you need to improve and work to improve it. Also, having someone else read your work will give you a slightly more accurate measure of your ability to get across what you want readers to see. But crit partners are a topic for another day.

The Red Vinyard at Arles

As for the book not selling, there's always a chance that it won't. It doesn't mean that you're a bad writer. Reading, like art, is subjective. So the amount of books sold does not reflect on your success and failure as a writer. Remember: Vincent Van Gogh sold ONE painting in his lifetime. The rest all went to his brother Theo. Including:

This one (it inspired a song):

Starry Night over St Remy

And my favorite:

The Cafe Terrace on the Place du Forum, Arles, at Night

Units sold isn't always a measure of talent. It's a measure (to a large extent) of conformity. It's a measure (to a huge extent) of luck.

If you think about things from this perspective, these fears aren't all that scary, are they? Just never let go of your perspective. It's vital to your sanity as a writer.


What's your greatest writing fear?

A to Z Challenge: Where Did the Passion Go?

I've been working on Doorways for about three years, possibly three and a half. 

When Darrion walked into my head and demanded that I write the story, a love for the story sparked and it was almost all I could think about. Lucky for me I think of multiple things at once otherwise I would never have been able to cope with University.

I wrote with more than a few doldrums where I ended up not writing until they passed. But when I got back to writing, it was wonderful. An incredible rush that hummed in my blood every time I put down the pen. I'd write whenever I could. While the rest of the people were watching rugby between eating (think NFL), I was watching rugby between writing.

I never realized how much I'll miss drafting until the first draft was done. For me, the first draft (whether it sucks or not) is the phase where we get to experience creation. We still have to explore everything and everyone. Nothing is hard and fast. Everything is new. With the first draft, I got to experience the liberation of writing whatever I wanted. I loved getting to know the characters. 

In December last year, the end of the story crept up on me. Really. Anyway. I rested the story until January and set the goal finishing date as 30 April. Almost immediately, I sensed a problem. 

See, after my frenzied first draft, I had to bring in a sense of the technical. I had to start thinking of things like pacing and voice. Of right and wrong. Of story elements. Themes. Subplots. Of fixing plot holes. 

Seems natural, right? Well, it is. But when it comes to my beast of an epic, things like that become daunting. There's just so much! Fear crept in, choking out my spark of passion. Hopelessness followed soon after. I started to think that I'd been a little too ambitious in my choice of story to write. 

And with that, I started to wonder if I should even be writing at all. 

I tried to keep writing, but although I managed to keep going, my love for the story kept fizzling. In February I   stopped writing altogether. 

I kept it quiet, not wanting to admit that my beast beat me. So I gave myself pep talks. Lots of them. I even posted some on my blog. 

It got me writing with renewed determination, but not love. My story became the enemy. I was writing to show the Beast who's boss. 

But one day, I was skyping a friend and something she said got me thinking. That thought turned into another thought and another and another until I had the main plot line that will run through the entire series. 

Just like that, I remembered why I love the story. Not a moment too soon, either. 

Because by that point, I'd been considering shelving Doorways indefinitely. 

But in that moment, when I saw where the series would go, I realized that instead of all those things scaring me, they're helping me. Those considerations were what made my story as good as it could become. And it had better be good. There are three sequels in the pipeline. 

I wrote with new passion, sometimes I wrote six times my daily target until I finished it. 

Of all the things that I am most grateful for, I am so glad that I didn't give up on Doorways as soon as I could have. 

So... Have you ever lost the passion for what you were working on? How did you get it back? 

A to Z Challenge: Fear

We all have it. That niggling feeling in the back of our minds. 

I can't do this. How will I ever be able to do the story justice? There's just too much... 

It usually starts as doubt, or we think it is doubt, that small question in our mind asking us how we think we'll get this done. Not particularly damaging in itself, but it grows into those thoughts above, spinning and whirling them in our heads until those fears are the only things that we can hear. 

It drowns out everything as we write. The voice, the story, the characters... Everything. And we are left panicking even more because now we are left without the thing that gives us our identity as writers. We can't create. 

And so the fear grows as we splash against a growing vortex that has us firmly in its grip. 

But there is a saving grace: We have a life line that prevents us from getting sucked in. We're tied to safety by our belief in ourselves.

Deep down we know that we are better than the things we fear. That we can overcome every one of those obstacles. Go look for it. Maybe it's far away, but it will be there. 

Don't you doubt that knowledge. Because that's what makes it possible for you to swim away from the vortex. 

But for it to work, you have to swim. If you stop swimming, you get sucked closer again. 

And that's where writing comes in. 

If you were waiting for me to tell you how to make the fear go away, sorry, I can't. Because you can't. 

You must write through it. The more you write, the fainter that fear becomes. But give that fear too much credence, and it will suck you back. 

So... to beat that fear. Sing with me: 

Just keep writing 

Just keep writing 

Just keep writing writing writing...

 

I want to know from you: What do you fear most when you write? (Have a sneaking suspicion I know what 90% of you are going to say... But still want to know out of interest.)

Nearly a week. and... nothing but soul searching

I'm starting to feel rather down now, but maybe it's just that I want to sleep.


I've been blogging for almost a week now and this is the impact I've made: five profile views. Absolutely no followers.


As much as I enjoy blogging, I never really enjoyed the idea of writing for myself. Not even my book. Since I was really small, everything I wrote was presented to someone to see. My mom (for honest crit) and my gran (full out support) were my favourite recipients. After I got the idea of short stories down, I wrote every assigned task with the idea that someone else is going to read this, namely my teacher.


I would ask, what am I supposed to do? What do you want to see on the blog... but... alas you are not here. So the empty house reverberations continue, leaving me to fight a slight sense of panic.


What if... the same happens with my book... What if... I write all of it and no one cares. Should I even care at this stage of the game? I think so... everything I write comes straight from my heart. Repeating this process again and again and again without anyone actually seeing this makes me feel... well... terribly lonely.


When people tell you that you should blog, they never warn you about the beginning days. The writing isn't hard. The honesty isn't hard. Sharing experiences isn't hard. But blogging to yourself is. It sucks. Big time... So much so that I'm wondering why I'm doing this to myself.


Generally, when the world turns its back on me, I want to turn my back on the world (that cynicism is acting up again). But... that's cowardice. That's me running at the first sign of resistance. I can't have that either. I mean, getting this book published will be filled with obstacles. If I don't learn to stick to something through the difficult parts, I might as well stop writing all together.


I guess, someone reading might think... jeesh, she's taking things way out of line, but then, there is something you should know about me. For most of my life, everything I ever tried my hand at, turned to at least moderate  success. I excelled academically for as long as I care about academics. I got distinctions for my ballroom. I had provincial colours at table tennis and I was, if I say so myself, a very good fencer. I maintained a 97% average for university level Mandarin - while spending less than twenty minutes of preparation per test. The thing is, I always have so many things that I want to do, that I can never do everything at the same time. So... when I get bored, which happens often enough, I move on to and excel at something else.


Conversely, if I don't enjoy something, for example my degree, nothing works to get me working on it... So... I am probably one of very few people with near genius IQ's that actually failed three subjects that they understand as if they wrote the textbook. This includes Actuarial Sciences. I try to do better, and last semester I did do better. But I just never live up to my family's expectations of my results.


I am very sorry about that, and I did a lot of soul searching about this. As I am writing this, I am coming to a realisation about myself that I have been looking for for years. This realisation scares me.


In high school, I was the smartest girl that anyone has ever met.  I'm not saying this to brag, it's just a sentiment that has been drilled into my mind by almost all of my acquaintances. I have been described as scary smart. Anyway... this smart girl never ever knew what she wanted to be when she grew up. Aptitude tests show that I could become anything I like. Whether I'm left or right brained seems to depend on my moods. So... I never had that thing where I thought: hmm... I'm good at math... I want to become a teacher... Instead I looked at what I enjoyed and that was... drama. A collective gasp rose from those nearest and dearest to me... My mind... wasted on drama... The genetic lottery gambled away... So... listening to the prodding of others, I set passion aside and chose to follow the smell of money.


In February 2007 I was one of the few that were selected for the Actuarial Science course. I had to March to adapt the degree. I didn't. And Misha Gericke, the girl who always had somewhere in mind, who excelled at everything she did, who never made a decision that didn't work to her benefit, made the biggest mistake in her entire life.


Oh... I know this now, of course, but there's this old adage: "Retrospect always comes too late." It took me six months to realize that I didn't really like the course. It took me another six to wonder whether the money I was going to earn on qualification would be worth my doing the work. Six months after that, I was scrambling to salvage the scraps of my soul. My decision to choose money over what I love nearly destroyed me. It took away the foundations of almost all of my dreams. It took away a large part of who I thought I was. It left me with a stranger.


In 2008 I remember spending quite a lot of time, wondering who I was. Sure, I was still a scary smart kid, but it was never something I wanted to be define me. The young, success orientated business minded ambitious woman on the edge of her dreams was gone. In stead there is a very lost little girl, scared of the day she's going to have to make a choice, because the last choice she made cost her nearly everything.


It's half way through 2010 and this is what I have:

• If I could have anything in life... it would be a life on my terms, where my last words will be: "I lived."
• I know that I'm smart, but to me, trying to use my mind to chase after money is unhealthy if not dangerous.
• the only reason I got through the aftermath of the decision was because I reached to God instead of anything or anyone else.
• I'm a very very very good leader.
• I'm a very good public speaker (in fact I love speaking in front of crowds)
• I am loyal, fair and very very complicated.
• I will never be able to understand myself.
• If I can't understand myself, I shouldn't expect others to understand me either.
• I love writing. It makes me happy.
• despite all my walls and strong personality, I have weaknesses too.
• while writing this I realized the greatest weakness of them all. It's so big, it almost scares me to write it down. But realizing this has put a lot of things into perspective. I never really measured my success by money. I measured it by the recognition of others.

That explains why I can think of exactly one composition that wasn't intended to be read. It explains why I got so shit lost. I fell for the what would the others think nonsense. Even while somewhat annoyed by the fact that people seem to look at a single facet of who I am and think that it's all of me, I am perversely glad that at least that part of me is gaining recognition. Even if that part of me isn't good. That's why I hate when people don 't like me, even when I refuse to admit the fact to myself. That's why I hate when people compare me to someone else - especially when they're wrong. For heaven's sake, there's a part of me that measures the future choices of my life by what I will tell my future grand children.


It explains why I am in fact not living on my terms. Because I'm looking too much at what others are thinking of me.


And, armed with this piece of truth, I look around me in my minds eye, and find myself on the edge of a precipice. Writing for publishing is about recognition. Someone out there will have to recognize my skill as a writer. What if they don't? Will I be left eighteen months from now having to completely redefine myself after having picked up shattered pieces again?


I don't know. I guess I should try to measure my success by something else, but what if it's hardwired into who I am?


I guess that the only thing I can do is to just do my best to get followers for my blog and not get hit so hard by the apparent lack of interest. I'm sure that someone out there cares enough that he or she will stumble across my attempts and join me in the experience. Maybe it's just coincidence that they haven't stumbled across me already....

Or... Not...

So... as it turns out, my writer's block is still going strong.


I was hoping that rebuilding the habit of writing every day would get me back to writing again. It has me writing, but not in my book, which is seriously annoying.


After this morning I thought I cracked the problem, but... no. Although I have this insight into James' psyche, it doesn't mean I can explore the conflict without boring and utterly annoying the reader. (Unlike here, where there are no readers to speak of... hint hint, nudge nudge) So I'm still stuck, pondering the same problem that has been there for two or three months.


How in the name of all that is holy, do I get James and Phipps to match wills constantly, while preventing repetition (a huge risk) and without letting James come off looking like a spoilt brat. Granted. He is a spoilt so and so, can be cruel and is somewhat self-centred, but he must also be at least tolerable to the reader so that they can have a vested interest in his personality improvement.


Also, there is this little matter of my book before this being set in stone until I have finished the entire first draft. So restructuring or rewriting is impossible.


Still, there is this fear that is starting to take hold now.  Did I write myself into a corner? Why won't the answer present itself to me like the others did. Should I maybe force myself to write and see where it goes? What if I do and I run myself into the dead-end of my creative maze? Do I have to stop months of work and start again? I don't want to. I really don't want to.


I ran across a quote from a published author, that said something to the effect of: real writers don't get writer's block. That they just keep going, because that's what they do for a living.


I read it, reread it and binned it for the bull it really is. Firstly, most of us don't have the time or money to write for a living. Secondly, if he wants to write crap thinking that he'll just delete it later, so be it, but for the rest of us mortals, having your creativity snarled by problems in the story, emotional issues and so on and so forth is a very likely occurence. I don't like it, but it doesn't mean that it isn't true. I wish people would stop spitting lines like that. They aren't helping, and it makes them appear arrogant...


Sorry for that, but I've been stewing on that quote for little over a day. Anyone knowing my disposition knows that that my patience lives dog years. A day is ages and ages for me to stew....