Also, I have this exact blog post up on Wordpress in case you prefer to read there.
I actually considered skipping today, because man, I've been having some serious troubles writing.
But here's the thing. I realized earlier that the major insecurity I've been suffering from for the past two or three months is a lie.
So I thought I'd share a bit of what's going on with me. Finally figured out a way in which to put my feelings in a publishable format.
There's a bit of a challenge, because I can't really explain why I felt this way. I did explain on my Patreon page, since I wanted my patrons to know where I am in my life, but I couldn't make it a public posting, because I have quite a good reason not to want to put everything up in public unfiltered where a Google Search can pick it up. So. If you want to see a full picture, I'm afraid it's going to cost a dollar. If not, no pressure. I think you'll be able to get by without the full picture.
Why? Because I'm a writer, damn it. I'll make it work.
Basically from the beginning of March, I stopped feeling like I had a future worth living for.
Man. That sentence was harder than I thought. Already in tears.
Okay. I can do this.
From the beginning of March, I stopped feeling like I had a future worth living for. Basically for the past ten years, I've been keeping myself functioning by relentlessly chasing down my dream of becoming a writer, and then later of making a living off my writing skills.
And that was great, because there was always something to work towards. A book to write/edit. Marketing to do... And so on and so forth.
But then partly thanks to a very close relative and some supposed "friends," my life started to unravel in 2014.
And it kept on unraveling.
And kept on unraveling.
To the point where in March, I stopped being able to even hope that one day it would be okay. It didn't help that I was already earning my living from writing and it just wasn't enough to stabilize the shit storm that my life has become.
That was the worst. Because if I wasn't happy now, what was the point of building toward the future anyway?
It started as a single thought that multiplied and multiplied until it became a belief that simply wouldn't go away.
But here's the thing.
It's a lie. Or worse, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Because if I believe that my future is dead in the water, I'm going to stop trying to fight for it. And if I stop trying to fight for it, all hope is lost, and my future as I want it really will die.
And today I had the blessing of being given a chance to step back and evaluate. And to remember that although I have a grand future planned, I also have a closer, smaller, more short-term future. One where I have a new book (or two) published. One where that book acts as a stepping stone to what I consider to be my empire. Also, one where after two years of putting it off, I have an actual proper author website and stuff.
That smaller future is something I want. Badly. And it doesn't matter whether my life wants to fall to pieces. I have the skills and tools at my disposal to make that smaller future happen.
But to do that, I have to stop lying to myself. I have to stop thinking that I'm going to be trapped in limbo forever.
Maybe you're in the same boat as me. In which case, I want to remind you to stop lying to yourself as well. There is a future you want, and there is a way for you to get there. Once you remember that, it becomes easier to to figure out what you need to do and how to do it, regardless of what's going on in the present.
Thanks for reading!
You can't stop trying or you're right, all hope is lost. Sorry people would send you down that dark path. There is hope. Keep fighting for those small goals and moving forward.ReplyDelete
Yeah, there definitely is. ^_^Delete
You must keep the faith. You will do this. You're talented and hard working. But nothing really good ever comes easy, so we have to be ready for it to be hard.ReplyDelete
There are times when my own expectations drive me to the brink of saying the heck with it. But then I remind myself that I write because I love to write and if it sells, Yay! And if it doesn't...well, it's still cheaper than shopping as a hobby.
LOL absolutely. I agree with you 100%. If I never published a book again, I would still write because it's what I love.Delete
Sometimes I find it frustrating, though, like lately when the stress from my life made it almost impossible for me to concentrate on writing.
I am heartbroken for you, Misha! Closer, smaller, short-term futures make all the difference and give us something to push toward. I know mine helped me through my depression last year. Hang in there! I'm sending my prayers and thoughts. Hugs!ReplyDelete
Thanks so much. I do feel like I was seriously at risk of going into depression, if I wasn't there already. I definitely felt like someone was pushing my head under water and keeping me there.Delete
So trying to get one small thing done at a time definitely helps me to stay moving.
My mom keeps telling me to get through one day at a time as it doesn't really help to think 10+ years ahead, if you can't get through today. I really hope things will turn a corner--for the good--for you. *hugs*ReplyDelete
Well. Something amazing happened yesterday. Not sure if you saw my update on Untethered Realms' group page yet.Delete
Questioning ourselves is the only way to really plum the depths of the soul. Sometimes we find that one door closes so another can open. I hope your journey continues to bring discovery and goodness to you:)ReplyDelete
That's very true. I've learned a lot about myself in these tough times.Delete
Thoughts and Prayers. Cheering for you. Happy IWSG Day.ReplyDelete
Hope you figure this out for yourself. Because you do have a life and a good one whether or not you are a writer. It's hard going through these so impossibly challenging times and I hope that you have support and love from family and friends to help you through it.ReplyDelete
No I am a writer. I just don't always know how to stay a writer. :-PDelete
I'm so sorry for everything you've had to struggle through. I know it's been really rough, and "unfair" doesn't even begin to cover it. But you're stronger than the people who have let you down and double-crossed you, and it sounds like you're on the right path.ReplyDelete
You will get there. Love to you. <3
Thanks so much. <3Delete
Misha, are you writing alone, without help? Is there a group you could join where you can swap ideas? I am taking a writing course online with a University and my writing has improved so much. Yes, such a route is costly, but there are friends you coud ask to read your work? Or a group that meets in a library? I'm sure there are people in the IWSG who would be willing to help.ReplyDelete
No, I'm not really alone. I have assembled a pretty awesome group of critique buddies over the years.Delete
At the moment, though, my main issue is trying to write under huge amounts of stress.
Oh, Misha, I'm so sorry for all that you're going through. What I do see shining through is your inner strength. You're a tenacious, hard working woman. Keep at it.ReplyDelete
My heart goes out to you with all your hardships. And I sympathize with those moments like everything feels lost. You are strong. You can push forward.ReplyDelete
Thanks. I'm trying. :-DDelete
This post is so heartfelt and touching. ((Hugs)) Please always remember there are reasons to keep going, to keep forging ahead, and for not giving into doubts. I totally get it. We all do, here. We're here for you. I'm glad it sounds like you've had a revelation and are at a more positive mindset. You can do this life thing. Writing, family, and even problems are all just part of the whole. <3ReplyDelete
Yeah it's so easy to get stuck on viewing only the negatives. But really, it's all about having the right perspective.
Sometimes the negative world overcomes, you'll achieve your goals because you know what you need to know and you'll do what you need to do, despite the negative!ReplyDelete
Go for it!
Yeah negativity really can be overwhelming. So I'm really grateful that I had a moment of clarity that I could use to put everything back in its place, in the real scope of things.Delete
A moment of reflection does wonders. I had something similar a few years ago when a loved one passed away. Where am I in my life? Am I a good person? Have I done what I set out to do? What if? Maybe? How about? etc. etc.ReplyDelete
I think, as creatives, we tend to hit the highs and lows with intensity. We laugh hard and cry hard.
But the best part of hitting rock bottom is...there's no way to go but up. And writing this post is a sign of your strength, of your courage. It's another milestone in the construction of your empire. (I loved that, btw)
So screw long-term goals, and aim for short ones. You're already going in the right direction. You climb a mountain one footstep at a time, right? (I forget how that saying goes... but you know what I mean!)
Climbing a mountain one footstep at a time is a good way of looking at it.Delete
I believe it's a good thing to know which peak one is aiming at. But sometimes, I get stuck at looking at the peak too much and only thinking about how far it still is and how hard it will be to get there.
Instead of thinking that... hey. This one step up really isn't that bad.
I have to think about the small steps every day. Every time I write something, or submit it to a publisher, I have to tell myself that the goal of accomplishment has been met. I would really like to be a millionair right now from selling the next great novel, lol. But I do like being able to slough off the writer personae and just be me once in a while.ReplyDelete
I'm glad you are doing better with the self-talk. Creative people don't need critics to get them down, our own insecurities do enough of that.
Keep on keeping on Misha.
Yeah having millions at my disposal would have been really nice. :-DDelete
Press on. Move forward, Misha.ReplyDelete
Keep your eye on the future, Misha. My thoughts are with you through these tough times.ReplyDelete
Thanks Ian. I really appreciate it.Delete
I can so relate about not writing. I has been over two years since my last novel and FINALLY I am writing again. I have the perfect memoir to keep me laughing and to move forward to FINALLY get my first real published work. This is the one.... IF not, other opportunities will come. Sometime we just have to step away for a while for our heads to clear and to have the opportunity to find us...ReplyDelete
Keep breathing. Sending BIG hug across the world to you!
Oh I'm so excited for you. Best of luck with your project! ((HUGS))Delete