Also, I have this exact blog post up on Wordpress in case you prefer to read there.
I actually considered skipping today, because man, I've been having some serious troubles writing.
But here's the thing. I realized earlier that the major insecurity I've been suffering from for the past two or three months is a lie.
So I thought I'd share a bit of what's going on with me. Finally figured out a way in which to put my feelings in a publishable format.
There's a bit of a challenge, because I can't really explain why I felt this way. I did explain on my Patreon page, since I wanted my patrons to know where I am in my life, but I couldn't make it a public posting, because I have quite a good reason not to want to put everything up in public unfiltered where a Google Search can pick it up. So. If you want to see a full picture, I'm afraid it's going to cost a dollar. If not, no pressure. I think you'll be able to get by without the full picture.
Why? Because I'm a writer, damn it. I'll make it work.
Basically from the beginning of March, I stopped feeling like I had a future worth living for.
Man. That sentence was harder than I thought. Already in tears.
Okay. I can do this.
From the beginning of March, I stopped feeling like I had a future worth living for. Basically for the past ten years, I've been keeping myself functioning by relentlessly chasing down my dream of becoming a writer, and then later of making a living off my writing skills.
And that was great, because there was always something to work towards. A book to write/edit. Marketing to do... And so on and so forth.
But then partly thanks to a very close relative and some supposed "friends," my life started to unravel in 2014.
And it kept on unraveling.
And kept on unraveling.
To the point where in March, I stopped being able to even hope that one day it would be okay. It didn't help that I was already earning my living from writing and it just wasn't enough to stabilize the shit storm that my life has become.
That was the worst. Because if I wasn't happy now, what was the point of building toward the future anyway?
It started as a single thought that multiplied and multiplied until it became a belief that simply wouldn't go away.
But here's the thing.
It's a lie. Or worse, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Because if I believe that my future is dead in the water, I'm going to stop trying to fight for it. And if I stop trying to fight for it, all hope is lost, and my future as I want it really will die.
And today I had the blessing of being given a chance to step back and evaluate. And to remember that although I have a grand future planned, I also have a closer, smaller, more short-term future. One where I have a new book (or two) published. One where that book acts as a stepping stone to what I consider to be my empire. Also, one where after two years of putting it off, I have an actual proper author website and stuff.
That smaller future is something I want. Badly. And it doesn't matter whether my life wants to fall to pieces. I have the skills and tools at my disposal to make that smaller future happen.
But to do that, I have to stop lying to myself. I have to stop thinking that I'm going to be trapped in limbo forever.
Maybe you're in the same boat as me. In which case, I want to remind you to stop lying to yourself as well. There is a future you want, and there is a way for you to get there. Once you remember that, it becomes easier to to figure out what you need to do and how to do it, regardless of what's going on in the present.
Thanks for reading!