Well, new novelists. A few months into seriously writing a new novel, you're going to discover that you've mutated.
Yeah. Like the X-Men.
You're just not a normal human being any more.
Personally, I think this is great, because normal is... well... boring.
You'll see yourself differently and you'll look at the world differently. And sometimes, the normal people will speak. And you'll think they might as well be speaking Swahili.
But today, I'm going to introduce you to another mutation in the human race. Here's some info I want you to remember.
Name: Critic
Race: Human
Class: Asshole
Language: Bullshit
Description: The critic is a versatile and dangerous natural enemy to the writer. Usually, their calls take one of these forms:
- So what's your real job?
- Do you really think you have something to write?
- All the stories have been written already.
- But you're not published, are you?
- What could there possibly be to writing a novel? (Implication: that you're a prize idiot for taking long to finish writing.)
There are many more, but you get the idea. Their attacks are civilized, but if they hit home, they're absolutely deadly to your muse. Do not. I repeat. Do NOT let their attacks stick.
Defense: I prefer hitting them in the face with the shovel. But since that's sort of illegal, the better idea is to use sarcasm. Or, if you're the type of person who never gets the snappy come-backs, there's another full proof way to get a critic to froth at the mouth shut up:
Practice the bestest best of your smug wise-ass smiles. Got it? No teeth. It makes you look like a werewolf. Good.
Now. Repeat after me:
"Why don't you write a book and then ask that question again? Because right now, you haven't a clue."
And then you walk away and pat yourself on the back being civilized while putting the critic in his or her place.
Probably while contemplating a short trip to the garden shed.
So vets. How do you deal with critics?
Either I have not met those specimens or they actually are smart enough to not mess with a dragon. :D
ReplyDeleteProbably the latter. :-D
DeleteKnowing my luck, the person would do that, land a great agent the first week of querying, a book deal the following week, and it's a bestseller the moment it's launched. :P
ReplyDeleteI usually just roll my eyes at these people.
Lmao this comment made my day.
DeleteThankfully I haven't met such people yet.
ReplyDeleteYou're not missing much.
DeleteI hate it when people ask me what I do. I mumble it and try to escape. I recently had a very abrupt reply. An elderly lady glared at me when I said I'm a writer and she simply said, "Why!?"
ReplyDeleteRosalind Adam is Writing in the Rain
Hahahahaha seriously?!
DeleteI very rarely talk about wanting to be a writer outside of my blog and twitter so luckily I don't have to deal with this kind if stuff!
ReplyDeleteYeah. I think part of the problem for me is that I don't try to hide the fact that I write.
DeleteHaha I go with hitting them in the face with a shovel too.
ReplyDeleteThat's one thing I love so much about the blogging world. Like Mama, I rarely talk about writing outside of this community because of comments like the ones you mentioned.
Yeah. The blogging world is such a safe refuge for us writers.
DeleteLOL - the shovel is tempting. Kidbits has a similar post today about "chiding" from critics. I started being "open" about being a writer just a few years ago, and the reactions are definitely varied and intense. "What makes you think you're a writer?" pushed me out of a writing slump one time, so sometimes there is a silver lining in the criticism cloud. I realized after they asked the question that I felt passionate about my writing and I believed in myself - I had been waffling before that. It's odd how that works. I can criticize myself, but someone else . . . no way.
ReplyDeleteI try not to let negative comments stick to me, but some of them invariably run around in my head like little thought-poltergeists. When they annoy me too much, I go to a list of nice things people have said about writing - ones that I've written up as an ego-booster, and I drown them out with positivity.
I love your response, btw, it's awesome!
That's actually true. I also use critics as a springboard to my ambitions. They motivate me, because I hope to one day laugh in their faces.
Delete...and that's the reason why I DO NOT discuss any "writerly things" with non-writers...
ReplyDeleteI've also discovered another lot of people who secretly ENVY you for being bold enough to say you are writing a book. But they'll never admit it. Instead, they join the critics...
Oh yeah. Envy is a huge thing.
DeleteI've been lucky to not run into many of those folks.
ReplyDeleteVery lucky.
Deletethis has been a big topic on many blogs. I've decided not to talk about writing except to writers. It's a different language. Of course this leaves me with only one real time friend to talk to.. My fav experience was when a handy man came to the house to fix stuff. "Ya know I've been thinking about writing a book about my funny experiences at work. Everyone laughs at the stories." I lieterally sat him down and explained. He's not gonna write a book - thanks for the vent lol
ReplyDeleteHahaha you did a very good deed, then. :-D
Deletesassy speaks and all the comments are useful indeed. On my side, I don't 'discuss' this with my friends. In ages past when my book was published, I have to say that sadly they (in my bookclub) were not congratulatory at all, and showed NO but I mean ZIP ZILCH interest at all. No, they never read it. No, they never said when I said I could not attend the next book club because I was going to be away to be interviewed or whatever or talk about my book at a literary function, well, that's great and I hope it goes well etc .. So - I say naught. And no, no-one save for a few know that I am writing another book ...
ReplyDeleteThat's ok ... I am ok with that.
Great post Misha! And SO WELL DONE that your book has been sold!!!!!
It hurts the most when the people who are supposed to support you react like that.
DeleteThanks for the congratulations and all the best with your sequel! :-)
Ah, the "What are you doing for humanity?" types. Yeah, I used to run into them all the time when I told them about my research. They'd say stuff like "and how is that curing cancer?"
ReplyDeleteTo which I always responded, "And how are you curing cancer? Why do I have to be the one to do it? Why can't you quit your burger flipping job and go solve the mysteries of DNA."
It's a little different for writers, but art is absolutely essential to the soul.
Hahaha your response is awesome. :-D
DeleteHi Misha,
ReplyDeleteI'm not a vet and Penny the Jack Russell dog can vouch for that. I will add and I'm still waiting, but I have never been criticised about my writing. Okay, one person was rather silly and told me to use paragraphs when I was actually using paragraphs. What they meant was they wanted me to space out my paragraphs.
Like this..
And this...
Take care, Misha.
Gary :)
Hahaha that is rather silly of that person.
DeleteOoh! Sassy!I love that response. I'd probably hand my critic a pen and paper and say "why dont you write a short story. See if you can handle even that."
ReplyDeleteNutschell
www.thewritingnut.com
Hahaha that's brilliant. :-D
DeleteHi Misha,
ReplyDeleteThank you for dropping by my blog!
I find that I don't mention that I'm a writer to most people. So few get it!
Since I don't have any friends IRL who write, the way I deal with rude remarks is to commiserate with all my writing pals online!
~Tui Snider
@mentalmosaic
www.mentalmosaic.com/blog
Online writing friends are a great way to deal with a critic's sting.
DeleteEvery so often I run across the minion of The Critic, the Troll. The Troll can only survive if you respond, so make sure to keep silent. As for The Critic, I'm sure I will cross paths one day. I just hope I can keep my cool and not hit them in the face with the shovel. ;)
ReplyDeleteOh yeah. Trolls are just as annoying. Especially when they bring religion into the whole thing. :-/
DeleteLOL.. I love the shovel idea but I don't think they serve chocolate in prison.
ReplyDeleteI get some strange comments for sure and usually access each situation. Once I tell people my book is the true story of my brothers murder they usually have no comeback.
I can say with all honesty in the year my book has been out the critics and a few fake reviewers, although their words stung at the time they have helped me grow an thicker skin which I'm sure I will need when the next book comes out.
Great post...
Yeah I can imagine that your response would have them stumped. Best of luck with the next book!
DeleteAwww...we really can't hit them in the face with a shovel? But that's what I've been doing...shoot, I probably should go hide those bodies better...
ReplyDelete~darts away~
Go go! I'll distract the witnesses.
DeleteDang, no shovel. I just ignore critics. They'll always be out there, but we can't let them stop us.
ReplyDeleteSo true.
DeleteWish I could pick up a shovel as well but I try and harness that energy into thinking about what it will be like when I do publish. Although I'll probably still get the "oh so I can't find your book in a book shop?" to which I will reply: "When was the last time you were in a book shop?"
ReplyDeleteLol awesome comeback.
DeleteA shovel? Too messy.
ReplyDeleteCritics suck but that's too be expected. Normally I just don't tell anyone what I do.
Great tips!
HMG
I don't know why. For some reason, the fact that I write invariably slips out at the worst times...
DeleteLuckily, I haven't had to deal with many.
ReplyDeleteMy plan is to keep quiet, keep working, and then publish the best darn novel I possibly can. Success is the best revenge. :)
Excellently stated. :-)
DeleteSo glad I wandered in from the a-z as this is fabulous!
ReplyDeleteThanks ^_^
DeleteThis is super-hard. I hate critics. I do not have a snappy comeback, but I wish I did.
ReplyDeleteI think it is best to not add "fuel to their fire" by engaging at all. I just give a blank stare and walk away. Maybe pretend I don't speak English..........
(I have written 3 books, all published on Amazon.)
best,
MOV
Oh yes! The blank "You're an idiot" stare is another of my favorites.
DeleteI had one critter from my online writers' group ask, "Who do you think would want to read this?" Implying, no one, in her opinion.
ReplyDeleteEvery drop of blood in my body instantly boiled. I calmed down and then composed a very polite email that said, "Well, from my blog and Twitter followers I see that the type of people who follow me include...." then I went on to detail the characteristics of many of my common followers.
She never critiqued me again. :D
Lol well handled!
DeleteCritics are a special being.
ReplyDeleteIndeed they are.
DeleteFor the most part, I ignore comments from critics - most have no idea what they are talking about. I just try not to be my own worst critic...
ReplyDeleteYes. I'll be addressing that particular issue later this month as well. :-)
DeleteMy dear Misha, you are brilliant. Race: asshole Language: bullshit. I love it! Keep the funnies coming!
ReplyDeleteHahaha thanks.
DeleteDo you mean how do I deal with critics after I curl into a fetal ball in a dark closet? Easy. I write them out of existence. :-)
ReplyDeleteOoh... dark...
DeleteI love it. ;-)