This is so annoying.
On Friday I decided that it was time for a change, so I went hunting for a new background. (Hope you like it.) I was really excited. Especially after my first concert went really well.
Then... this happened. To say the least, it's a setback of the first order. For one thing, nothing looks quite as shiny as before.
NaNo is starting to look... unlikely.
As does my chances of getting anything written or edited.
Because if I fail my exam, I'll have to go studying right through November. If I fail that, I have a deans exam in (I think) January.
If I fail that, I'm going to set fire to the text books and dance around it with glee.
Either way. Whether I pass this fucking subject or not, I'm done. There will be no more repeat performances.
My life will NOT be put on hold for another year.
Because fact is. I'm sick to my stomach of trying to understand what I'm supposed to write in tests when the text seems to be irrelavant.
I am sick of the fact that I have to sit down in my exam, wondering if I should write down what I know (i.e. what was written in the texts), or if I should guess what my lecturers want me to say.
I'm tired of being constantly reminded of the fact that this subject isn't about my knowledge. It isn't about how much work I put in. It isn't about fucking anything, because policy will change. The people who pass the course will go on to change it, making everything I learned mean pretty much nothing.
I'm tired of spending hour upon hour trying to prepare for the academic equivalent of Russian roulette. Where the scores you get on the essays are more dependant on who marks it than the actual quality of the work.
I'm sick and tired of fighting to save something that should have been euthanized in my first year already.
My heart breaks at the thought that a time of my life that should be remembered with fondness has become my prison.
That the night I should have celebrated my success has become the night where I celebrate my failure.
Needless to say, I'm now stuck in that place where, if I were a boxer, I'd be lying face down on the boards, waiting for the ref to count me out. If I wasn't so pissed off, I'd probably just stay there.
But oh no. I'm going to get up. And I am going to come back swinging. Starting today.
Because I did not sacrifice another year just to give up now.