A belated Update Day

Hey all!

No, I didn't forget it was update day on Friday. I was going to write the post in the evening after some work and errands, but when I returned, the internet was down and stayed down until late Saturday morning.

But since it's my bloghop, I'm figuring I have to put up my update.

And here it is:

Click here for information

March was the month from Hell. I was sick in the first week, away from my computer in the second week, and came back just in time to be stabbed in the back come week three.

Writing done: negligible.
Editing: none. Although I've brainstormed some stuff I want to put in when I'm editing.

So my goals for April... Well that's where it's complicated. I want to get back on track, but right now, I'm very far from the ideal head space and I don't think trying to push myself would be a good idea.

Instead, I'm going to let the dice fall where they will. I'm going to update you on progress made, if any, but I'm just not setting goals for April. Because that would be stupid of me.

How are you doing?

Where I am today

I'm not going to lie. I'm sinking here and fast.

It's just that difficult for me to stay positive about the shit going on in my publishing-life at the moment. Yes, I am feeling better now that I'm actively working towards doing something about it. But all in all, everything just feels so senseless.

Like the fact that I spent almost seven years on a project I might not be able to get back, depending on which way a law I don't know will swing.

Like the fact that a deal that had so excited me when it first happened, can turn into a real-life nightmare.

Like the fact that I'll probably end up spending most of my income from my day-job, just to possibly undo something that should never have happened in the first place. But I'll have to do it anyway because after all those years spent working on those two books,  I can't afford to avoid this battle, and I can't afford going into it alone.

Truth is, I'm demoralized. I'm furious. I'm hurt beyond what most people can imagine.

And here I am, with books to edit, more books to write and others to research. I want to. I know I should be doing those things.

But the truth is that my heart is so broken that I don't have the strength for it right now. Because every ounce of strength I have left is going into the fight I'm heading towards. A fight I never wanted, and never imagined having.

Worst of all, most heart breaking of all, it's a fight that wouldn't even exist if the publishing house only talked to me. 

Thank you to everyone who offered to pray. Please don't stop praying. Cause right now, it feels like the only thing that'll pull me through.

Wherein I'm going to the mattresses.

Okay.

So I waited out this thing with my publisher as far as I'm willing to risk it.

That's actually why I didn't return to blogging last week as promised. I was staring at my computer screen, growing my ulcer, screwing up my happy hormones... and checking my e-mails like an obsessive compulsive.  
And after a week, no reply from my publisher on something so serious it makes me nauseous just to think about.

So... I'm taking action. I'm actively screening IP attorneys, so if you know any good ones, let me know.

What's pushing me to this? Well. That's a nice, long story deserving of a nice long post. Which I will write and publish when 1) I've gotten the legal advice I need and 2) when it's not April, because really, I want as many people out there as possible to give me their full attention. To help them learn from this horrible experience I'm going through with my publishing house.

And yes. It is horrible. It's destructive, and it's currently sucking my soul, more than being sick and being exhausted combined.

I will let something good come out of this. Even if the good ends up being for someone else's benefit. 

And for those of you who pray:

1) Please pray I get the right person to act as my legal representation.
2) And pray that this ends up being a clean cut for me.

Rumors of my death have been grossly exaggerated...

Sigh.

Yeah.

I can't help feeling like the last two weeks have been a bit of a nightmare for me.

Before, I mentioned being sick. Last week was mostly spent unable to write, and unable to even connect to the internet. I was out of the house for most of the time, as in, I sometimes came home in time and exhausted enough to go sleep the moment after I had dinner.

And now... I'm even more discontented with the way people are managing one of my books.

So needless to say, I'm exhausted.

I've got a bit more written on this subject at Untethered Realms, but for now, I'm just going to crash. I might take tomorrow off as well, but then I'm really going to get back to my regular blogging schedule.

I just need a few to recover. Because that recovery time has not happened yet.

How are you doing?

I'll be back.

Sorry for being so absent this week.

I've been struggling (and still am) with some sort of bug that simply drains me of energy during the day. I'm a lot better now, but not quite up to standard.

Hopefully I'll be all better by Monday, and I'll be able to post and visit blogs with more regularity. Which I must say I'm looking forward to.

At Unicorn Bell

Hey all! Just want to let you know I'm at Unicorn Bell today, discussing why stakes are important in a query and synopsis.

Hope to see you there!

Insecure Writer's Support Group

Wow. I can't believe it's time for another IWSG post. For those of you who don't know, IWSG is a monthly bloghop where writers can share insecurities and encouragements about writing. You're always welcome to sign up, so if you want to find out more, click here.

So... I don't really have anything new to be insecure about. I mean, I'm still pretty close to being a nervous wreck about a multitude of writerly things, but I've discussed most of them at length already this past month, so I'm just not feeling like going over again.

Instead, I'm going to be very naughty and link you to something IWSG-related that I posted on Monday because I forgot I needed to save it for today.

Hope no one minds!

X

P.S. Alternatively, you can check out my query crits at Unicorn Bell this week. I'm still new to this, so I'd love it to see some friendly faces. :-)

You've got that scary feeling...

Hey there, new kid. You know that feeling when you're about to start a new story?

That sense that you're not prepared. That you're never going to get the right story down and that the sentences will be all clunky and that your verbs will be weak and that there's absolutely NO WAY that you're going to make this story work.

Yeah. That feeling. The one that assails you the moment you face your first blank page.

Well... It never goes away. I've written for almost thirteen years now. I've finished... Two books to publishing standards, and five more rough drafts as well as four rewrites.

I've made all of those stories work except for one, and I'm working on it as soon as I put up this blog, because I now know what's wrong with it.

But last night, I started working on my mystery project and... I spent about fourteen hours playing games, two watching t.v. one and a half sleeping... Yeah. You get the idea. The amount of time I actually spent writing was about an hour.

All because every time I wanted to start, that feeling hit me. And me, choosing terrible moments to be undyingly optimistic about my writing, assumed I could start when the feeling went away.

Needless to say, it didn't. So by about 7 p.m. last night, I thought back to my previous drafts. With Doorways (the two publish quality books), I was all out terrified! I delayed starting by six months. SIX MONTHS. Because the thought of writing a story so epic and complex paralyzed me. ES, the book I'm writing yet again, has given me this feeling three times. Every time I tried to write it. With last year's NaNo, I got such terrible cold feet on October 31st that I almost gave up before I started.

But you know what? Whether something takes me a day, a week, months or even years, I always start an idea I have. Because if I didn't, nothing I ever wanted to write would get written, and my life would have been emptier for it.

So if you're about to start a new story and that feeling hits you, just chill. But do work through it. Because the only way to make the feeling fade for long enough to finish a story is to actually start writing it. Any you know what? Most of the time, those fears are unfounded anyway.

What was the worst time you got hit by this feeling? How long did it take you to start writing?

By the way, I posted more details on my query, synopsis, first chapter critique at Unicorn Bell. So if you need a fresh pair of eyes, please do check it out. :-)