I know that this is somewhere that people don't want to go all that often, but I felt this is the best place to put this because today is time for the Insecure Writer's Support Group, and this is basically the mother of all of my insecurities, and I feel we have to go there. Even if it probably won't be that well-written.
Even as I'm writing this, I'm feeling a certain level of self-censoring, because man, people do not like to talk about this... thing. This shadow of darkness that, whether we like to admit it or not, follows us all.
The world puts such a premium on everything being awesome that they don't even like to hear when something isn't. Unless, of course, it feeds their biases.
Think I'm lying? Next time in a social situation, if someone asks you how you're doing, tell them you're not doing well. I kid you not. Recently, I had a situation like this in church. Which... if you go, you know this is not the way things are supposed to go.
Other person: "How are things going? Did you get good news yet?"
Other person: "Oh, that's awesome. Do you want earl gray or rooibos tea?"
But I digress.
We're not all awesome all of the time, and sometimes, that darkness waiting in all of us wakes up to say hi. For some of us, it's addiction, for others, rage issues or depression, for others (me included), it's anxiety. Everyone has something. But no one really likes to talk about it because good God we can't let others realize we're not infallible!
The truth is, though, that we are not infallible. We're all vulnerable to the dark corners of our mind. Most of the time, we just don't let that side of us win. The thing is that sometimes, we're just not on favorable grounds to win a battle against the darkness.
Take me. 90% of the time, I manage my anxiety and I do so without medication for a variety of private reasons. Which isn't to say that I'm saying everyone should manage their issues without pills. (That would be irresponsible.) I'm just blessed in that I can.
But then my dark side shows up like an unwelcome guest and it feels like my world gets turned upside down. For me, it's like trying to write/work/do anything with a 100-pound toddler throwing a tantrum right next to me all day long. I can (and do) still get stuff done, but I feel dulled down and less effective than I want to be and it drives me mad. And I know that if I pay too much attention to it, I'll be useless.
At the same time, I have to process all that input and remember to put things into context. Like remembering that it's almost certainly a neurochemical response to my environment. And remembering that it's as much a case of my drive feeding my anxieties as it is my anxieties feeding my drive.
What do I mean by this? Part of why I'm good at the things I do is because I have anxiety (albeit in lesser concentrations) around achieving something to a certain standard. I hate failing and I hate being out of control. So my anxiety around both makes me take measures to ensure my success at the thing I'm doing as far as possible. So really, anxiety in itself isn't necessarily a bad thing.
The issue is that I'm not perfect, and some things are not and will not ever be in my control. And its those imperfections and situations that make my dark side throw tantrums. And when that happens, my self-censoring and/or self-criticism is at its most destructive.
I was there from Sunday until last night. And honestly, it was the worst case that I ever experienced. But as bad as it was, I still feel proud because I feel like I won something. Because I fought back. Did I do so perfectly? No.
But did I let it make me miss an important deadline? No. Did it make me back out of any of my commitments? No. It was harder for me than usual, much much harder, but I made allowances the same way I make allowances for deviations from my normal expectations when I have house guests. And then I took steps to get back to normal.
Am I completely normal? Nope. I'm a bit tired. But I'm here, and I know that if I keep doing all the things that are in my control, things will keep improving and my dark side will remain in its own little corner, waiting for me to maybe do something positive with it like write.
How do you deal with your dark side?