I'm really, really deeply irritated and frustrated at the moment.
I already pointed out in my IWSG post this month that my life is seriously preventing me from getting any writing done. (Also worth noting is that I haven't had a chance to actually write my own blog posts since then.)
And some of you have given me the advice that I should be enjoying my life instead of wasting it worrying about writing.
Which would be a valid point. Except that I was being nice in my IWSG post because I don't like moping.
I still don't, but let's just say that half of March is gone and... well... The life that has been intruding on my writing wasn't good.
As in, I've been under insane work hours basically since January. I've been under pressure for things I largely aren't responsible for, for the better part of two and a quarter years now.
This month alone, I've put up with a whole lot of SHIT from people. I've been spending weekdays working sixteen hour days on things that for the life of me I can't find anything to show for. I've spent the past week mostly either crying or suffering from a migraine as a result of crying. Which sucks because the thing about migraines is that they make me want to cry.
In the meantime, I haven't written a half of what I want to write. I haven't even started any of my marketing activities for my book release (which, you know, is a problem given that that's a bit more than a month away). I haven't really done anything except cope on survival mode for weeks now.
And.
It's.
Pissing.
Me.
Off.
Which, you know, is just an amazing mood to be in when trying to write in the five minutes you have to write. (In cased you missed it, that was oozing with sarcasm.)
I'm tired of seeing the way clearly marked out in front of me, but not being given the chance to even take a single step.
I'm tired of the fact that when people say I should enjoy my life, I can legitimately say that I currently can't because time is being taken up by so much bullshit that I physically can't do the things I enjoy.
I'm tired.
I'm so tired.
And while I understand that my day-job (which is the single largest cause for disruption of my writing time) is supposed to help me keep going long enough to function as a writer (being a starving artist is sooooooo last year, daaaaaahling), it's definitely not conductive to me writing when my 24 hours are split between 12-16 hours of work and 8 hours of sleep almost every week day. And any other time is spent discussing work with my family (because we all work very closely together).
Which again, wouldn't be an issue in the short term (as this situation is supposed to be), if I could only but find something I did in those hours that made me feel like... Oh wow. I did something awesome today.
No, the last time I felt that way was more than a month ago.
So no. When I say life is getting in my way, I'm not talking about friends staging interventions and taking me out to see a movie. This isn't the normal, average "oh no, I have too much to do" kind of moping (you know, when people are good-naturedly "complaining" because they have an awesome family to spend time with, who insist on them spending time together, or complaining about "I have no time", but spending hour after hour wasting the time they actually had). I mean my life is currently literally dragging me down and knocking me out in a way that I know isn't healthy.
*Takes a niiiiiice deep breath.*
But the good news is that Monday, Friday and Monday are all public holidays, so I'll have a bit more time.
I hope.
Misha... I hope it gets easier.. I know what you mean about things cutting into your life. My work takes up so much of my time and then all the long traveling time... I become extremely exhausted. I have an idea that I am working on to give me more time to do the things I need to do and want to do. Somehow I hope you find that too... the older I get the more I realize the importance of it... balance... that is one of the most important things in life xox
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Misha. I'm sending you lots of hugs. I hope you are taking care of yourself. You come first. It's okay to get your frustrations out. We're here to listen.
ReplyDeleteI can understand. When I go too long without writing, I start to feel really guilty and almost panicked. It's not good, but that's how my brain works.
ReplyDeleteI hate that feeling of waiting to be doing something more enjoyable/fulfilling/desirable. It makes me feel like time is flying by and I should enjoy it. I hope you catch a breath and a break soon!
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that things are so difficult for you right now; I wish I could be there to give you a big hug and a nice big ice cream sundae (or any other type of comfort food that would make you smile). 16-hour workdays are definitely stressful, and it's no wonder that you haven't been able to work on your writing right now. I wish I could give you some solid advice, but all I can say is that you shouldn't pressure yourself to write regularly right now since you've got so many other things going on right now. But hopefully things will clear up soon so that you can work on the marketing stuff.
ReplyDeleteYour work hours are just crazy. I remember you saying before that it was temporary and they'd calm down soon, but they don't seem to have done so. You're burning out, and I wish I had a solution for you. I know how resilient and resourceful you are, so, if there was a solution, I know you would have found it. I wish I could build you a blanket fort and bake you a huge cake. I really hope things get better soon, and just know how many people care about you, even if they do live hundreds or thousands of miles away.
ReplyDeleteMay March hasn't been the best, either. And more and more I find myself wishing everyone would just go away and let me be. Then I think, but these are my friends, my family. I'm not supposed to feel like that. What is it that makes us so crazy when we can't get the time to sit down and write without interruption? I'm wondering if our brains become wired differently once we set out on this path.
ReplyDeleteOuch! I feel your pain. There seems to be huge barriers between where you are and where you want to be. In my mind, that is the very definition of frustration.
ReplyDeleteI'm in no position to be offering advice, but have you looked at the things getting in your way and can you see a path to easier times? I've seen what a meticulous planner you are in your writing life, juggling all those WIPs and schedules for getting them through the various stages to publication. Have you tried applying the same disciplines to the non-writing side of things to see your way forward?
Sometimes, frustrating though it is, all you can do is accept the current situation and tackle it a step at a time until eventually you can plan in the time you need for yourself. I wish you well.
I can relate to this. I'm a full time writer, but that first draft I had planned to write back in January has yet to be started. Everything else (including family responsibilities) came in the way. All you can do is not let it get to you. If you do, writing will become a chore. And who wants that?
ReplyDeleteI wish I had an answer for you. I wish I had an answer for me. I keep telling myself to learn to be happy in the moment, not to look back or forward but to appreciate the now. I fail miserably at that. I won't go on but just know you aren't alone. Chocolate, cheese, wine and an hour to just sit and laugh - maybe that'll at least chase away those migraines for a few hours.
ReplyDeleteMisha, I worked like this for over a year. It's insane and it is a time suck. It will most likely get better, but it may not happen quickly. My advice is to write what you can when you can. (One thing I've learned from my MFA is that most people can write about 250 words/15 minutes. So even if you can carve out 15 minutes a day when you should be doing something else and write a page at the end of a year that's a novel. Do what you can and don't worry about what you can't.
ReplyDelete