Monday, April 14, 2014

Rallying Call

This is going to sound weird, but I'm so glad that I went through that nightmare with my former publishing house.

No really.

In terms that we writers all understand, that was the dark of the night. The moment when I was at my absolute lowest. That bleak time when I wasn't sure if I could carry on. Where I had to take stock and somewhere, somehow, find the strength I needed to keep going.

You know what? That's exactly what I did. And what I realized is this. I love writing. I write just for the hell of it. I write it's because my passion. But I'm not going to allow that my loving a story I wrote will enable someone to bully or exploit me or push me around in any way that I don't want to go.

So in the interests of that, I'm changing the way I'm looking at the publishing business. Before, I just signed when I got the offer because the contract seemed fair and I didn't feel I had bargaining power. Now... I'm saying screw it.

From now on I'm having an attorney going over ever publishing contract I might sign with a fine-toothed comb. And if I don't like something, I'm going to ask for it to be changed.

You know why? I'm a writer. I face monsters and insecurities and all sorts of darknesses within my own soul in order to create books. And

I
DESERVE
RESPECT.


But no one will respect me if I don't respect myself.  And respecting myself means standing up for myself and acting like the powerhouse I know is lurking within me.

You know the thing about powerhouses? They keep moving forward to bigger and better things.


Friday, April 11, 2014

Thank you.

Thanks all for your support and understanding!

I have taken down yesterday's post based on some advice I received, but to those of you who need to talk (you know who you are). Don't hesitate to contact me.

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

THE MOST EXCELLENT NEWS

Oh my gosh, you guys! 

Oh. 

My. 

Giddy. 

Aunt!

Sorry.... I'm just coming to terms with...

Okay. *Deeeeeeeeeeep breath.*

I got my rights back. To both books. The Vanished Knight has been removed from all outlets and let me just say that I've never been so glad to be an unpublished author. 

As in... I'm so excited that I can't even imagine sleeping tonight. 

All of my suffering for the past month or so... gone in as long as it took for me to read an e-mail. 

Wow. 

Just... 

Wow. 

Okay. I'm going to stop now. Hopefully tomorrow will give you a more cohesive post. 

Monday, April 7, 2014

Perspective

I'm not going to lie.

The past few weeks has had me the lowest I've been in a long time when it comes to my writing.

I mean, being treated the way I am - by people I am supposed to trust - just really demoralized me. I mean... what's the point of spending years on preparing books for publishing, only to experience a loss of control over those books I never expected?

But you see, here's the thing. I want my books read, yes. And I do deserve not to have a publishing house treating me like shit. But neither publishing, nor editors' compliments, nor good reviews are why I am in this gig.

No. It's not about preparing books for publishing at all. It's about writing.

And I write because I love it. I love my characters. I adore letting myself submerge into worlds of my own creation. To me, writing is almost a heightened sense of being. And nothing.

NOTHING.

Gives me the same buzz as something happening in a book I'm writing that I didn't see coming.

That's why I write. If no one in the world sees the next thing I finish, I'll be disappointed. And when people screw me over, I'll be furious. I'll do everything I possibly can to defend my rights.

But the point is that I'm not letting these people define my life to the extent where they negatively affect my creativity. They're not worth the aggravation.

So that's what I'm doing. I'm letting go of my anger. I'm focusing on refilling those creative wells. And I'm getting myself to where that desire to write and perfect what I've written outstrips everything else.

Because that's what I want to get back to. The pure joy that comes from doing what I love. And a distance and clarity I'll need to keep the story I love from being exploited in ways I can't allow.

When I can do that, (and note, I'm not saying "if".) I can really say that I've become a pro at my job.

Because pro writers don't sit forever, dwelling on the negatives and blaming them for why they can't write. They write. They create. They edit. Despite all the shit that might fly around them.

So, ladies and gents. That's where I am. Right now I'm going a bit of thoughtless creativity in the form of crochet (tip from experience: repetitive actions calm the mind and allow perspective from difficult events.). But as of tonight, I'm going to get myself back into writing mode. Even if it's just random prompts by the hundred.

I WILL WRITE.

Monday, March 31, 2014

A belated Update Day

Hey all!

No, I didn't forget it was update day on Friday. I was going to write the post in the evening after some work and errands, but when I returned, the internet was down and stayed down until late Saturday morning.

But since it's my bloghop, I'm figuring I have to put up my update.

And here it is:

Click here for information

March was the month from Hell. I was sick in the first week, away from my computer in the second week, and came back just in time to be stabbed in the back come week three.

Writing done: negligible.
Editing: none. Although I've brainstormed some stuff I want to put in when I'm editing.

So my goals for April... Well that's where it's complicated. I want to get back on track, but right now, I'm very far from the ideal head space and I don't think trying to push myself would be a good idea.

Instead, I'm going to let the dice fall where they will. I'm going to update you on progress made, if any, but I'm just not setting goals for April. Because that would be stupid of me.

How are you doing?

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Where I am today

I'm not going to lie. I'm sinking here and fast.

It's just that difficult for me to stay positive about the shit going on in my publishing-life at the moment. Yes, I am feeling better now that I'm actively working towards doing something about it. But all in all, everything just feels so senseless.

Like the fact that I spent almost seven years on a project I might not be able to get back, depending on which way a law I don't know will swing.

Like the fact that a deal that had so excited me when it first happened, can turn into a real-life nightmare.

Like the fact that I'll probably end up spending most of my income from my day-job, just to possibly undo something that should never have happened in the first place. But I'll have to do it anyway because after all those years spent working on those two books,  I can't afford to avoid this battle, and I can't afford going into it alone.

Truth is, I'm demoralized. I'm furious. I'm hurt beyond what most people can imagine.

And here I am, with books to edit, more books to write and others to research. I want to. I know I should be doing those things.

But the truth is that my heart is so broken that I don't have the strength for it right now. Because every ounce of strength I have left is going into the fight I'm heading towards. A fight I never wanted, and never imagined having.

Worst of all, most heart breaking of all, it's a fight that wouldn't even exist if the publishing house only talked to me. 

Thank you to everyone who offered to pray. Please don't stop praying. Cause right now, it feels like the only thing that'll pull me through.

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Wherein I'm going to the mattresses.

Okay.

So I waited out this thing with my publisher as far as I'm willing to risk it.

That's actually why I didn't return to blogging last week as promised. I was staring at my computer screen, growing my ulcer, screwing up my happy hormones... and checking my e-mails like an obsessive compulsive.  
And after a week, no reply from my publisher on something so serious it makes me nauseous just to think about.

So... I'm taking action. I'm actively screening IP attorneys, so if you know any good ones, let me know.

What's pushing me to this? Well. That's a nice, long story deserving of a nice long post. Which I will write and publish when 1) I've gotten the legal advice I need and 2) when it's not April, because really, I want as many people out there as possible to give me their full attention. To help them learn from this horrible experience I'm going through with my publishing house.

And yes. It is horrible. It's destructive, and it's currently sucking my soul, more than being sick and being exhausted combined.

I will let something good come out of this. Even if the good ends up being for someone else's benefit. 

And for those of you who pray:

1) Please pray I get the right person to act as my legal representation.
2) And pray that this ends up being a clean cut for me.

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Rumors of my death have been grossly exaggerated...

Sigh.

Yeah.

I can't help feeling like the last two weeks have been a bit of a nightmare for me.

Before, I mentioned being sick. Last week was mostly spent unable to write, and unable to even connect to the internet. I was out of the house for most of the time, as in, I sometimes came home in time and exhausted enough to go sleep the moment after I had dinner.

And now... I'm even more discontented with the way people are managing one of my books.

So needless to say, I'm exhausted.

I've got a bit more written on this subject at Untethered Realms, but for now, I'm just going to crash. I might take tomorrow off as well, but then I'm really going to get back to my regular blogging schedule.

I just need a few to recover. Because that recovery time has not happened yet.

How are you doing?



Friday, March 7, 2014

I'll be back.

Sorry for being so absent this week.

I've been struggling (and still am) with some sort of bug that simply drains me of energy during the day. I'm a lot better now, but not quite up to standard.

Hopefully I'll be all better by Monday, and I'll be able to post and visit blogs with more regularity. Which I must say I'm looking forward to.