Hey everyone. Today I'm a bit all over the place. (Okay not really. Just here and three other blogs.)
I'll get to this month's insecurity now, but first, let me just
warn inform you of my whereabouts.
First, I'm visiting Denise, sharing a story of the insecurities I faced when I started writing Endless. She cross-posts to two blog platforms, so if you're on Blogger, click here. Wordpress: here.
But it doesn't feel like to skip the Insecure Writers' Support Group (and boy, do I have a doozie today), so I thought I'd leave a post here too.
Okay so this is going to be hard. Because today I'm going to share a bit of a secret. Or not. I'm pretty sure I might have mentioned this once or twice before.
The thing is, I don't like talking about it.
But hey, as I said, it's a doozie of a cause for insecurity and I've been struggling with working through my feelings. So, since writing is a good way to do this (and posting gives me motivation to actually do it...)
*Deep breaths* Warning. This does occasionally go into ranting territory.
So on Saturday, I woke up to the thought that nothing I ever do is enough to actually succeed.
Which, on its own, might seem like a rather silly little issue.
Except I have an anxiety disorder.
Yeah. I do. Had a psychologist who diagnosed me in my third year of university. Maybe I've had it forever. I know I had my first (and oddly enough last) panic attack when I was in sixth grade. People didn't handle it well. I suppressed it and thought that it had gone away.
But yeah. My second year of university wrecked me. So badly that my mom made me go to a psychologist because she thought I either suffered from depression or did drugs. Yes. My emotional state had gradually darkened and grew so bad that my mom thought I had taken a control substance because my entire outlook on life had changed.
I had gone from being a go-getter with huge goals and the daring to get it to someone who no longer felt like there was a point to trying anymore.
It took me an entire year (and an existential crisis) to find myself again. During which I almost ran away (and I'm purposefully using the phrase) to the navy because I couldn't deal with my fears that I'd get trapped in a job I hated because of a degree I no longer even wanted to get.
But I clawed my way out. Step by step. First by realizing that I didn't actually have to do what people expected of me. Then, but proving to myself that I could get ahead and still write (which is actually one of the key aspects to my dealing with my mind.)
And boy. I got ahead. I finished a shit ton of books. I got a publishing deal at 24. At exactly the same time, I was a co-owner and shareholder of an 8-digit turnover company.
It's easy to function through my insecurity when things are actually going well.
That was 2013.
In 2014, everything went to hell, basically, except for my and my family's health (which I'm grateful for).
But materially speaking, we lost everything. My whole life went into a dive and I've been fighting to pull out of it ever since.
In January 2015, I was determined to pull out and just.
It's May 2016 now. And yes, I've made progress. At the moment I'm touring the third book I released in two years. My mother and I started a business that we merged with another.
But it's also May 2016, and after months of hard work, most of which I've spent working 12 to 14 hour work days (you know, not writing).
And, except for the fact that I'm not able to write for vast majorities of the time and risking burn-out by writing in literally every available moment of time when I'm not sleeping, (I'm serious. Except for about eight hours of singing in total and maybe four t.v. days, I've done nothing but working, writing and sleeping since December.) I'm no better off now than I was last year this time. (In fact I'm worse off, but explaining that will probably stretch the post too far.)
I can't describe the mixture of fury and hopelessness welling up within me as I write this.
So on Saturday, I guess I came to the point where my anxiety would no longer be ignored. But if I give up, I'm fucked. And I won't be the only one.
Somehow, I have to ignore the patent evidence around me to say that there is a point to this. That it must break at some point -- hopefully before I do. That yes, doing all the right things and working hard will bring me success again.
That this time, my success won't be stolen by another asshole that I will see on t.v. with my fucking business that was also a casualty of 2014 (not kidding. Happened yesterday.). Or someone else I will probably hear of in my day-job due to (yep, you guessed it) anther 2014 casualty.
Somehow, I have to fool myself into believing that all this will happen so that I can at least write again. Because if I stop writing, there's no point to hoping I'll become a writer, is there?