I'm not going to lie.
The past few weeks has had me the lowest I've been in a long time when it comes to my writing.
I mean, being treated the way I am - by people I am supposed to trust - just really demoralized me. I mean... what's the point of spending years on preparing books for publishing, only to experience a loss of control over those books I never expected?
But you see, here's the thing. I want my books read, yes. And I do deserve not to have a publishing house treating me like shit. But neither publishing, nor editors' compliments, nor good reviews are why I am in this gig.
No. It's not about preparing books for publishing at all. It's about writing.
And I write because I love it. I love my characters. I adore letting myself submerge into worlds of my own creation. To me, writing is almost a heightened sense of being. And nothing.
Gives me the same buzz as something happening in a book I'm writing that I didn't see coming.
That's why I write. If no one in the world sees the next thing I finish, I'll be disappointed. And when people screw me over, I'll be furious. I'll do everything I possibly can to defend my rights.
But the point is that I'm not letting these people define my life to the extent where they negatively affect my creativity. They're not worth the aggravation.
So that's what I'm doing. I'm letting go of my anger. I'm focusing on refilling those creative wells. And I'm getting myself to where that desire to write and perfect what I've written outstrips everything else.
Because that's what I want to get back to. The pure joy that comes from doing what I love. And a distance and clarity I'll need to keep the story I love from being exploited in ways I can't allow.
When I can do that, (and note, I'm not saying "if".) I can really say that I've become a pro at my job.
Because pro writers don't sit forever, dwelling on the negatives and blaming them for why they can't write. They write. They create. They edit. Despite all the shit that might fly around them.
So, ladies and gents. That's where I am. Right now I'm going a bit of thoughtless creativity in the form of crochet (tip from experience: repetitive actions calm the mind and allow perspective from difficult events.). But as of tonight, I'm going to get myself back into writing mode. Even if it's just random prompts by the hundred.