For those of you who are wondering what I'm talking about: Beth Fred and I host a monthly bloghop. A bunch of us have set huge/crazy/very important goals. On the last Friday of every month, we share updates on our progress (if any.)
You're welcome to sign up! You can find more information here, as well as see how everyone else is doing.
So how have I done?
Reading: Pathetic. I've only read a few pages in the beginning of the month.
Life: Uhm........ Let's just say the crap continues. Which means that:
Writing: 20k words, all of which except for 14 were written in the first two weeks.
I wasn't helped by the fact that I got a flu around the 14th.
It also feels like... since setting aside my major goals for the rest of the year, I've sunk into doldrums, the likes of which I haven't experienced since my time in university.
I guess, by abandoning my plans, I'd abandoned my hopes for my publishing career, and as a result, I no longer have the incentive needed to be productive.
Yes, I know what I've said before about not writing to publish. I stand by that.
But it's also a widely known fact that writing is difficult enough without staving off what might become a monstrous depression of a scope I've managed to avoid until now. It's difficult enough to write when everything else is going well.
And I'm not doing well. Not by a long shot.
And that's the truth beyond my radio silence.
People don't want to hear about the sadness, hurt and pain of others. So... it's best to try, at least, to limit posts about these things to a bare minimum while burying it in pep, promises, flowers and bunnies.
But when you're this tired... This hurt... this... hopeless. There. I've said it. Hopeless. All I've got left is a grim determination to survive.
That's not going to help me write, because right now, writing isn't giving me anything to eat.
And it's certainly not helping my social networking, because grim determination tends not to bring out the snappy tweets, inspirational quotes or wise, philosophical blog posts.
So in short, I'm basically incapacitated when it comes to writing anything the way I used to.
It's difficult for me to be friendly and funny and whatever else when I'm visiting other blogs, so I've stopped commenting because I hate writing a comment and feeling that that thing I've written just isn't me.
But I digress. Grim determination is really not a good place to be in when writing a book. No matter how difficult it is to write, I don't believe it should be done with gritted teeth and white knuckles. And for all of eleven days, I had a moment of peace within myself. That was when I wrote 20k words. Which is sad to think, because at that rate, I could have written 60k if the peace had lasted.
Maybe, things will turn around and I'll regret my apathy toward writing later when I'm way behind (which I am already to the point where falling more behind hardly matters) and suddenly have the opportunity to publish again. But to be honest, that seems like the best case scenario right now.
How are you doing?
Sorry to hear about the place that you're in at the moment. I'm keeping you in my thoughts. Hang on to your grim determination and when the time is right to start writing again, you will.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear that you're so sad still. Don't push your writing. It will come at its own pace. And it will happen. It always does.
ReplyDeleteI know because I've been where you're. At some point in my life, I was too tired not only to write and read but even to watch TV. I could only pace my room and think how miserable I was. It passed. It took time and some efforts on my part, plus some medical stuff, but it is behind me now.
You can't force creativity. I think you've done so much in the last couple of years, your brain just wants a rest. Give it to yourself and don't fret about a career in writing.
My grandmother always said that whatever happens, happens for the best. She's been dead for many years, but she was a wise woman. Perhaps she was right.
I've been in that place before. Many times. It's rough, but they tend to pass and my writing gets back on track. But those moments suck so I feel for ya.
ReplyDeleteFind something you enjoy that is doable during this hard time in your life and do it. Seek out joy as you try to get beyond this sad fog. Just do whatever will help you best and I hope time will help make things better for you.
ReplyDeleteReally wish I could reach out across the internet and give you a proper good hug. Just know that there are people who care about you and who are rooting for you. And I've never met anyone as determined and brave as you xxx
ReplyDeleteMisha, I think it is brave of you to be so honest... I know what you mean about how people don't seem to want the truth, it's not easy for them to handle. I have been where you are, I made it back and forth to work and that was it... writing my thoughts in my blog helped, people didn't always no how to react but at the time I seriously didn't care... I needed to do what I had to help myself get better. I know you will get there too, if you can't write your books, write here... there will be many of us who will be here, we will support you understand when life is not all roses xox
ReplyDeleteYou've been through a lot this year, so it's understandable that you feel this way. I'm sorry life is so rough right now. Things will get better and you'll look back on this time as shitty, but a necessary step to the next awesome chapter in your life. I'm impressed you've written so much despite the crap going on. Is there somewhere in nature you can go for walks around your new house? I'm a big believer in walking to stave off depression. Keep on keepin' on until the sun shines again. It will get better. Really.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean. This weekend has been rough for me and frankly I'm glad I'd scheduled Friday's post well in advance.
ReplyDeleteKeep your chin up. You can do it, even if need a break first.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. There's no shame in taking a break when life is hard. Sometimes the added pressure of having to write just makes one feel worse.
ReplyDeleteI'm in your corner.
I'm sorry you're struggling.
ReplyDeleteI felt that way quite a bit in August, and kept gritting my teeth. And then, I decided to focus on a different project - something old and unfinished that "has to be finished" soon. It's for "work" - or at least that weird thing I call work where I teach "independently" to small classes of home-schooled teens who need/want writing instruction once a week. They e-mail me their projects and I e-mail them feedback. It takes a special kind of curriculum to bend to a once a week teaching structure, so I write my own. And this year, I am determined to publish books 2 and 3 instead of just using them in my classes.
Anyway, without that drive because of upcoming teaching (in less than two weeks), I would be suffering too. I feel like my WIPs of the fiction kind are just sucking, and I don't feel like I can write about that either for the same reasons you mentioned.
Anyway, I wish I could give you some amazing comfort.
I think you can pull through this - take a break, work at something that puts food on the table, let the ideas run around in your brain, and maybe another month will have more mind sunshine to it.