A little glimpse into my mind today

This is so annoying.

On Friday I decided that it was time for a change, so I went hunting for a new background. (Hope you like it.) I was really excited.  Especially after my first concert went really well.

Then... this happened. To say the least, it's a setback of the first order. For one thing, nothing looks quite as shiny as before.

NaNo is starting to look... unlikely.

As does my chances of getting anything written or edited.

Because if I fail my exam, I'll have to go studying right through November. If I fail that, I have a deans exam in (I think) January.

If I fail that, I'm going to set fire to the text books and dance around it with glee.

Either way. Whether I pass this fucking subject or not, I'm done. There will be no more repeat performances.

My life will NOT be put on hold for another year.

Because fact is. I'm sick to my stomach of trying to understand what I'm supposed to write in tests when the text seems to be irrelavant.

I am sick of the fact that I have to sit down in my exam, wondering if I should write down what I know (i.e. what was written in the texts), or if I should guess what my lecturers want me to say.

I'm tired of being constantly reminded of the fact that this subject isn't about my knowledge. It isn't about how much work I put in. It isn't about fucking anything, because policy will change. The people who pass the course will go on to change it, making everything I learned mean pretty much nothing.

I'm tired of spending hour upon hour trying to prepare for the academic equivalent of Russian roulette. Where the scores you get on the essays are more dependant on who marks it than the actual quality of the work.

I'm sick and tired of fighting to save something that should have been euthanized in my first year already.

My heart breaks at the thought that a time of my life that should be remembered with fondness has become my prison.

That the night I should have celebrated my success has become the night where I celebrate my failure.

Needless to say, I'm now stuck in that place where, if I were a boxer, I'd be lying face down on the boards, waiting for the ref to count me out. If I wasn't so pissed off, I'd probably just stay there.

But oh no. I'm going to get up. And I am going to come back swinging. Starting today.

Because I did not sacrifice another year just to give up now.

AAAACK! Gremlin!

A few more days. My economics test will be on Tuesday night. Then the tension will (I fervently hope) slacken off.

Amazing what an evil little gremlin stress can become.

I've been getting along so-so this week with regards to studying. In fact my success was so mediocre that I changed the plan and took two days off.

No big right?

Unless your mother decides its a sign of a lack of commitment. And then proceeds to hammer you about it.

So now, instead of just focusing on studying harder, and for longer hours, my mind is split into little fragments. One tells me to relax. One that everything will be OK. One wonders if I am actually guilty of what I have been accused of. Another one is beating the previous one up. Its friend is telling me not to think about it and focus on the matter at hand. Of course, it's screaming so hard that I can hardly hear what I'm reading. And finally, there's the most dangerous one of all.

The one that keeps remind me of how much I'm regretting that I chose to finish my degree. Not because of the work involved. But because I can't handle the emotional battering that goes with it, whether it comes from me or someone else.

So I'm trying to push all these into a box for later. It's barely less than a week. I can handle this for so long. Right? Right.

Except that it's like a chocolate addiction. The more I'm reminding myself of not thinking about it, the more, I am in fact reminding myself of the thing I'm not supposed to be thinking of.

So yeah... I ended up writing this to give my thoughts air. Hopefully they'll stop breeding and crowding out my studies.

What do you do when the stress gremlin has you in its sights?

The Juggling Act (This is NOT an announcement of a hiatus.)

Hi all! As you can see, I haven't done a TCoML in almost a week. Not because I didn't want to, but rather because I couldn't. I've just been too busy with everything.

I remember last year when I was at University with a lot more subjects than just economics and I managed to post almost every day since August. But then, my life was pretty much in shambles and I was able to add blogging to only studying and writing.

Now, I have to study, to work, to sing, to dance, to edit, to write and to be a leader for my church youth. AND that blog I started in August (incidentally a year ago yesterday) now has 606 readers and I'm still posting (except for yesterday) five days a week. My book is done and I have to edit. I still want to get it done by next year.

And then there are the up and coming projects.

So yes, as my life grew, so did my workload to the point where I struggle to schedule anything.

The last time that happened was in my A-level year. Now I'm going to do now what I did then. I'm not going to schedule. I know what I have to do. I have my priority list (as it is right now):

1) Study and attend class

2) Work, editing, Youth, reading and writing

3) Singing, dancing and blogging

4) Drawing

Armed with that, I know what I should choose when I have time. Didn't sit down to study yet? OK then. My blogging has to move. Unfortunately, that means that I won't be able to always post (although I will try). It also means that I definitely can't visit as many of you as I do usually. As much as I'd love to.

That is and always was the secret to my life: It isn't a balancing act. It's a juggling act and sometimes I need to know when I have too many balls in the air. That's when I start putting some of them in my pocket for later.

But it will only be for ten more weeks. Then ball number one will be gone forever and the rest of my life will begin.

And that will be when I'll be back with a vengeance and in the long run, everything will get done. I just can't do everything at the same time.

In the mean time, I want to ask you to please think of me or pray for me as I go slaying one of the big giants in my life.

What about you? What do you do when your time gets limited? Do you juggle or balance? 

Blog Fest Admin

Hi all! Just want to let you know that I'm being hosted by Christina Dos Santos with a post about cliches. So please head over and say hi. ^_^

Also, I will be doing the blog fest post later today (along with the explanation of what said fest entails). I'd do the whole thing now, but I have a ton of work, so I need to graft right now. Alas, the life of the economics student...

Anyway, I'll be back later! X

Turns out I don't need to do both.

Well, I've found something rather interesting lately. After all my concerns about writing and editing at the same time, something occurred to me this morning as I woke up.

I'm studying. And I'm editing. Both take part in the same half of my brain.

So of course I'll struggle with switching over to creativity. Because it's not the way I'm thinking right now. Yes, I could skip back to creativity if I wanted, but do I really have the time to be diverted by my muse? Uhm...

Not while I'm still a week behind due to a webmaster that I will shoot soon.

Instead, my free hours can be spent studying or editing. Who knows? Maybe I'll even be able to finish my edits before my exams.

In the mean time, I'll use any free time I have left after the above to read and refill my creative reservoirs so that I can go mad in November.

I mean, it must mean something that my exam is on 31 October.

Because on 1 November I can join NaNo. ^_^ Maybe this year I might even stand a chance of winning...

Oh yes! And then there's this...

Anyone else found their planning thrown by the actions/cock ups of others? Who else will be joining NaNoWriMo?

Goal Change!

So... I realized something that will completely throw any semblance of seeking balance out the window.

I forgot to mention this earlier, but as of the end of July, I will be finishing my degree once and for all. And that means studying. LOTS of it.

It means that I will start spending a lot of time on summaries and concentrating on economics. From the very beginning. In other words: At the end of July.

Which means that I won't be able to revise all the way into August. On the contrary. I'm going to have revise 300 pages and do two editing rounds in three weeks. Because I am not letting anything compete for my attention while I'm studying. (At least it's on font 14 for now, so not quite as bad as it sounds.)

So... If I'm not on as regularly as before, or if I'm slow to respond, or rare on the blogs, please think of me, because I'll be up all the way to my neck in edits and revisions.

Why then, you might wonder, am I in such a hurry? Well... I won't be able to edit for three and a half months. Which means that I'll be able to give my crit partners more than enough time to crit my story. When I'm done with exams in November, I'll be throwing myself into rounds 3-6. Hopefully I'll be in 7-10 half way through December. And 10 to 15/16 at the end of January.
Then I'll decide what I'll do with the completed result. Will I query? Will I look for publishers? Will I e-publish? I'll see. By then, the market might be calm enough for me to see what is the best option.

In the mean time, I have a crap load of work to do.

Have any of you ever attempted to get through revisions as fast as I will be? How did it go? Am I completely insane to even think it's possible?

Heeeeeeeeeere's Misha!

I'm back!

Finally after weeks of drumming my nails to the quick with frustration.

You see, I nearly died of curiosity to see what was happening to all of my bloggy friends.

Sigh. And here I am.

There's so much to tell you!

So... I'll do it news-style.

1) As you are well aware, I now have a job. Sadly (?) it involves commerce, but it is exciting enough to keep me interested. The only thing that I have against commerce is the fact that most of the jobs involve sitting at your desk and doing accounts.

This one does too, but it's a high adrenaline kind of job. ^_^

When I have something to do.

When I don't... I get to write.

2) Speaking of which. Work settled down enough on Thursday for me to write between e-mail checks. Since then, I have written almost 20 k words! Ten thousand of which was on the Doorways rewrite.

3) I looove being in full swing with Doorways. I've moved some things around and hurried things along a little. For now, it writes like a dream. It's great to know where things are going.

The only thing that is a little tricky about the book is voice. I have two, and the story requires me to switch between them every now and then. And right now, Callan is drowning out anything and everything that James has to say.

4) In unrelated news, I know of a registrar's secretary who will have a very bad day on Monday. My registration is due on Tuesday, but they still haven't opened up my account. I hope for her sake that my account is open by 08h30 on Monday.

Right now, I'm not angry.

I'm storing it for later...

5) Good news again: I was given an award! I will blog about it on Monday when more people are online.

6) I'm pathetic at remembering news. Which probably doesn't count. I'm sure you all realized how scatterbrained I am.

So...

What's news there? You can't believe how much I missed you.

Rock Bottom and Sky High.

So sorry for my unannounced absence these past few days.

Monday kind of got lost between research for that other WiP of mine and I promised to write an awesome post on Tuesday.

On Tuesday, I hit rock bottom. As in, if I was through dynamite and a shovel, I'd have found myself in China. I don't know whether it's due to staffing problems, laziness or just plain insensitivity, but my illustrious Tertiary institution decided to let me know by TEXT MESSAGE that I would not be allowed to continue my studies. No reason. Nothing. Just one hundred and sixty characters' worth of soul destruction.

By this morning though, I came to an interesting realization. I had hit the bottom of the hole, so there was nothing else to do but salvage and/or move on. The time had finally arrived for me to tough it out. So I drove to my University and asked for an explanation from the admin. See... I could not grasp how I could be kicked out on a single subject. The message made me almost doubt in myself, since I started to think that I could have failed another one or two of the subjects. Funny how quickly that came up.

But then I made a funny decision to a) Trust God in where He was going to make me go and b) refuse to believe that I could have done so badly after I had written so well for the other modules. c) Find a job that would be worth my while. I might not have a degree, but I would not let that ruin my life. By gum! (I should mention that I get very blustery when I tough things out. When I start gritting my teeth, people should run for their basements.)

So I walked into the lady's office and asked quite nicely for an explanation. (See, for all my bluster, I also know that it's much easier to get things done by asking nicely.) And here it is. One of my module's marks have yet to be confirmed. They had turned the entire process of admissions over to a computer program that reads an unconfirmed mark as a 0% performance. That, with the economics was just enough to put me on the so called blacklist. 

But basically, I had nothing to worry about until 10 January. But I was much too relieved to be annoyed. 

In fact I was almost in tears. 

But I stuck to my job decision and started looking. I found a job as a restaurant manager close to my home and applied. The owner called me back a few hours later for an interview! So if everything goes well, I might be employed by the end of December. 

I'm thrilled! But I'm still praying about it. If I'm meant to get the job, I will. If not, I know that something better is on the way. 

That's my news. Anything big happen since I was around last?

Phew!

Ever been worried about doing or telling someone something?

Well, as some of you might know... I've been working really hard to get together the guts to tell my mom about my economics.

Yesterday we were driving and spoke about completely other things and studying somehow came up. Before I knew what was happening, I blurted out that my economics were well beyond salvage now. To my surprise, it didn't turn into our customary fight, but rather we started speaking about why I was struggling to study the work required. 

For those of you that were wondering, think four old family Bibles. In essays. With the succession of essays having nothing to do with each other. And most of the essays have a lack of coherence. The authors clearly never learnt that the intro needs to involve the topic, or that the body needs to involve the intro. Or that the conclusion must have something to do with the essay they had written.

Sorry. I really get angry that we are marked strictly on the form and structure of any essays we write, but are then forced to sit through work that is far below that standard, just because the writer of that essay has a M or a PHD tagged to his degree.

I know that they know more than I do, but it does not cancel out the fact that 75% of them need an editor.

Oh. And while I'm this hideously off topic, wouldn't it be nice if our lecturers actually read what they selected? That way, they would notice that what they give us in a way of information, does not correspond to the lectures...

"Read tomorrow's essay before class,"  they say.
And then forget to mention which of the essays happen to be the ones that need to be read. I was not aware that economics students need to attend Paranormal Studies 148: Telepathics.

Phew. Aaaaaanyway... I pretty much went into that rant yesterday, and I assume my mother got what I meant. Well... She commented as follows...

"So you always think that you're above average. Are you saying no-one passed?"

My reply:

"No, but I estimate that about 80% of the class sat through the course at least twice." Which is a valid point to make. Our average third year subjects have around 200-250 students enrolled. Economics: 600-800. Hmm...

And that was that. My secret is out. I still have my head...

Kidding. My mother is seriously an awesome woman. Just the fact that she took the news this calmly attests to it. We just don't always understand each other the way we'd like to. It is the curse of being in a stubborn family. We take a point, form an opinion and stick with it until the time that someone can change our opinions. And that means conflict.

Lots of it.

But there isn't a woman out there that I love and respect more than her. It's just that our opinions about the direction of my life tend to differ.

Sigh.

To think that I've been ranting about coherence. I think I covered three topics in one composition...

Academia here I come! 

;-P

How are you doing? Who finished their NaNo's? Any stories of telling someone something scary? How did it turn out?  

The post where I wrote what I didn't want to say.

Don't worry. I'm not going to rant.

It's more of a venting...

Fact is that I'm ten days away from my last exam. I wish I could say last exam ever, but since I don't know if that is the case, I decided to rather not be the die-hard optimist. Anyway...

That's not what I want to go into. I'll go into it when I'm really really back. Right now I'm more of a I'm hiding out from my other responsibilities back. Which is why I must keep this post short.

If I write too much, things are going to come out that would serve me better tightly caged. So...

Sometimes I hate thinking. In stead of making things clearer, thinking muddles everything up. Like worrying about what happens next.

There. See? I did it again. I freaking can't stop. It's like trying to stop a runaway train with a penny.

Right now, not thinking is taking so much concentration that I can't really think about anything else.

Not a good state in which to find myself when I have to finish my exams.

Not that it matters. Since my economics happened again. This time slightly differently, but with the exact same effect. Well... not exactly the same. I got two poems (I think) out of it. In two languages.

Did I get a degree out of it?

A most emphatic no. See... when you write your predicate test in October and suddenly draw a complete blank (and I do mean complete) remaining calm to get through the work with a miraculous second chance just isn't as possible as people seem to think. I studied for five weeks this time. I gave up my NaNo aspirations in order to get through the work. I did everything I could. 

I kept myself together admirably if I say so myself, even when I knew I wasn't nearly prepared enough to feel good about writing. I sat down and turned the page. 

And... Nothing. Not a single solitary thing registered. I sat through an hour and a half out of three, trying to recall what I knew. I wrote two poems just to calm down enough to think. Nothing... Actually I think I wrote the poems just to create noise. It felt strange to be the only person in the room except the invigilator that wasn't writing. 

In some sort bleak irony, that was the first time in months that my mind went completely quiet. 

Not that peaceful, calming quiet with running water and laughing children in the distance. I'm talking about that eerie roaring silence you get after a bomb went off close by. 

I think that I wrote "Sorry" in the answer sheet.

Maybe.

I can't remember. 

Oh my word I wasn't even going to write about this. I was going to mope fore a bit about how I can't study because I want to write, but can't write because I need to study. Something like that. But I guess this had to get out.

I haven't told anyone yet. Everyone is assuming that there is hope, but refusing to talk about it. No one except for me, and now you, know how badly it really went. I just can't deal with telling them. Maybe I'm a coward now.

Still... I feel a lot better now. It isn't ruling my thoughts as much as before. So I can maybe pull myself together enough to get through the next ten days or so until I can face up to what I had allowed to happen to me and to the repercussions of it all.

But not right now. Now, I have to knuckle down and finish what I can.

NaNoWriMo day 2.

Sigh... to do something that isn't either economics or NaNo related. So heavenly.

When I write, I'm worrying about economics. When I study, I'm thinking about writing.

Still, I'm slowly getting ahead of schedule with Doorways. (I'm about 400 words ahead of their daily goals.) So if I manage to write at my current rate, I will have gained a day by next week. I may get more writing done this weekend though, but I haven't decided if I will make my weekend writing-only, or studying-only.

Choices... Choices...

Especially when I consider that both will leave me more or less equally exhausted.

I'm at this stage still wringing the words out of my muse. I get them down, but the effort involved is rather tiring. When I'm not wringing, I'm cramming portions of my economics into my head. Will I be more efficient doing only the one, or the other?

Yes... but I might also kill myself in the process.

Then there's also the fact that something very strange happened in James and Ward's story, while a complete stranger appeared in Callan's. Oh the joys of pantsing.

I do like the stranger, although, he further complicates her life when she really doesn't need it.

Wait... why am I complaining about that? Complications are good... Complications give me stuff to write about... Hopefully.

How is your NaNo going so far? And please leave your user names so that I can buddy you. :-)

Oh the humanity!

Morning all,

Just want to say welcome to all  the new followers. Just two more and we hit 100!

When we do (depending on when this happens), we're going to do things a little differently from the usual.

Firstly, you can ask me any questions and I'll try my best to answer them honestly. But please keep it clean. It feels silly to write this, since if you joined this blog, you must have impeccable taste. ;-P

Then I will hold a draw where the winner can pick the topic for a blog post.

And... I will use the 100th follower's name as a character in a short story or poem or some other form of creative writing.

If you have any other suggestions for what else we can do to celebrate, please leave me a comment. :-)

On to the post... (I'm going to try to keep it calm and civilized, but be warned that my fuse has been lit... and that it isn't exactly long.)



Today I'm feeling a little upset with humanity.

Actually, forget a little. I'm pretty ticked off with humanity.

The sad thing is that this has not been triggered by the fact that some South African Veterinarians have been largely responsible for the spate of rhino poaching. Or the fact that in certain African countries, Albino humans are forced to live in hiding because they are hunted for body parts. (I kid you not.)

These things always make me wonder about this topic, but they weren't what raised my ire.

I am upset, because I was forced to join a group, otherwise I can't hand in the group project. Incedentally, if I ever meet the person that instated group projects in the afterlife, he's going to suffer and eternity. After all... I'm creative. And I'm going to have a LOT of time...

Anyway... Said group took my details and said they would contact me a few days later. I didn't take theirs because of the fact that a) I had no cell phone b) by some evil twist of fate I had nothing to write on/with c) He was going to contact me so I could just reply.

It is now a month later, and due date is next week. Think I'm going to be contacted? Doubtful highly doubtful. Very likely they bumped into a buddy that needed a group and decided to shift me out.

This does not upset me as much as the fact that they didn't bother to let me know.

When I raged about this to my room mate last night, she commented that I should have prepared for this, since it's much easier to replace one person than an entire group. But I think she misses the point.

That bastard (and I apologize to all other bastards for the insult) could still have taken me into account enough to let me know. I would have done it. I can't see why other people are incapable of a little bit of common courtesy.

If you think I'm over-reacting, think again. Last year I failed a subject because half the group decided to leave an entire term before hand-in of a massive project and kindly informed us of this only a week before the due date.

Then there are other things like people thinking that ethics can ever replace morality.

That it's very clever to not have promises written on paper because then they can back out of it.

That it's OK to be disrespectful to other people as long as they are beneath their station.

And on... And on... And on...

At what stage did humanity lose its sense of honor? When did our word lose its worth? Why can someone do anything they like as long as they are not the one being disadvantaged? When did people become such hypocrites?

I joined NaNo.

Oooooh boy.

Yesterday I went in search of my exam schedule and found that I am writing two subjects in October, and two in November. And those two are on the tenth and the thirteenth. Which means that I theoretically have time for NaNo.

So... I went to the sight and signed up. Since then, I have debated my own sanity. See. I seriously might have a big screw loose. One of the great weaknesses of who I am is the following: if I'm not pressured, I don't perform. Which means that at least on some level, part of me is always trying to balance on the edge of a knife with her eyes closed.

It's rather strange really. I know that I am greatly increasing the odds of things going badly, but I always feel pulled to living on that edge.

But, over the years, I have learnt tricks that make dealing with pressure a little better. Such as cataloging what needs to be done and doing things in order of urgency and importance.

Which is why I thought NaNo might not be a bad idea. My writing usually fails me when I don't have classes and tests to worry about and I thought that NaNo might just be the kick I need to get into the habit. After all. I want to finish my first draft of Doorways in December. It's in a genre in which 100k words are the norm. If I can get into the habit of writing a few thousand words every day, I will be able to finish it. (I decided to pick up the story from where I stopped and finish as many words of Doorways as possible.)

BUT. I have a much bigger priority to finish my degree this year. Financially and emotionally, I can't afford another year of doing something that kills my soul little bits at a time. So. I WILL pass all of my subjects. I WILL get my degree. Anything that gets in the way of this will be sidelined until I'm finished.

This includes NaNo. I really want to reach 50k, but I am not betting my degree on it. So I will start on November 1. I will write whatever bits I can whenever I can between studying. I will devote the first Saturday to writing as much as I can. Hopefully I'll hit enough words to stay on track. The Saturday after that, I will be writing my last exam. I'll rest on Sunday, and start NaNo'ing in earnest on the fifteenth.

This is where my performance capacity comes in. I'll have to catch up big time if I want to win. I need to at least write about 3300 words per day. I say at least, because I'm actually aiming for 4k. Insane? Maybe. This is by far not even close to the limit of what I can write on a given day. But every day for two weeks?

Watch this space and find out...

Who else is NaNo'ing this year? Any alternative strategies for me to follow? Anyone else think I'm certifiable? I'd love to hear from you.

I have returned (mostly) alive.

Good evening all. It's now 22:30 CAT and I'm back. I would have been back sooner, but everyone I knew stopped me on the way to my car. (That's what I love about my university. Most of the people are so friendly.) And then I got a craving for decadence, so I went in search of good decaf coffee and then (with some effort) cream.

Why not? I wrote a test. I've been very good on my diet. And my diet allows decaf cappuccino's with cream in limited amounts. Hmmm... Just quickly making it.

Aaahhh now I feel human.

I just want to thank to all of you that left me your good wishes. It was wonderful reading them. (Yes. I read them every time I felt demoralized during my studies.)

Then I just want to let you know that tomorrow's post will only come along more or less this time too, since I have yet another test to write tomorrow night.

So I'm sort of stuck with a dilemma. I know what I'm going to do this weekend. I might go see a movie. Or I might take out a DVD. But I will definitely let my muse blow off some steam.

Thing is, she's tapping her foot right now. I'm not really that tired, but I can't help wondering whether I'll hate myself in the morning if I indulge her. She has this way of taking over all of my thoughts. One of those "give them an inch" kind of muses. I'm worried that if I start writing now, I won't be able to concentrate tomorrow.

Usually I can do both, but tomorrow is going to be intense. I can't juggle my thoughts.

So almost every part of me is screaming to let it go and sleep. Almost.

Another part is begging me to do something creative.

I wonder... 

I have exactly an hour before I absolutely HAVE to be asleep. What to do... what to do...

What do you all do when you suddenly have an hour free? What if your muse is begging you to write, but you know that it's a bad idea?

I Survived My Own Stupidity...

So... remember that I blogged yesterday because I had so much time?

Turns out that it didn't occur to my that getting the data into written form (economics again) in 650 words was a bit of a problem. Actually, it was a big bit of a problem.

See I wrote the entire analysis, knowing that it was going over the limit, but thinking that I could pare away at my words. Riiiight... When was the last time this worked for me? Uhm... Never. I ended up spending another six hours re-shaping the data into a more manageable form before deleting every single word of the analysis I had already written before starting again.

I did finish early enough to get six hours worth of sleep. So I'm pretty happy. This essay will very probably not do as well as the previous one, but that's OK. To me, there are more important things in life to worry about than one essay that I don't need.

Things like: A course on Spiritual Warfare. Finding time to broaden my mind. Finding time to write.

I'm not really going to go into the first, due to the fact that some people might not agree with me, but it just felt like I would be lying if I did not give it a mention. I just feel that as a Christian, I should do everything in my power to strengthen my defenses with knowledge.

A lot of things can broaden my mind. Watching movies, reading, reading blogs, talking to people, going to new places... and (the scary and most difficult one for me to do) to just be quiet in my own company.

My mind is a strange thing, tangling with at least three intense problems or musings at a given time. Most of the time, it's more likely to be running five. Add in three novels, two of which are extending into series and around twenty characters all talking at the same time. Then there's also the run of the mill things like: REMEMBER TO BUY EGGS FOR YOUR FLAT MATE! and: YOUR MOTHER MUST BE AT THE AIRPORT AT 07h20. The hundreds of little reminders that float around in my head. Sorry for the all-caps, but I'm doing everything I can to remember those two. You see... with all my stuff milling around in my head, it's the every day stuff that falls through the cracks. 

Point is. My mind comes to a point where it sounds like a full restaurant where I can hear every single person talking. For me to just be quiet by myself, I have to spend quite a few hours shutting out most of the noise. It's fiendishly difficult and - if I succeed - quite scary. It feels incredibly alien to be in silence, but it's beautiful when it happens. Everything feels clear. And I get so much done when I get to this stage, since I can take one thought at a time and concentrate on only that. I keep focusing on these thoughts until I finally feel I've solved something. At which stage the noise usually floods back and hits me again.

Finally, writing. I write even when I don't have a pen and paper with me. Only when I stop thinking about what I want to write, have I stopped writing. At this time, I'm toning down on my physical writing so that I can find my characters' voices again. I'm almost there and I'm starting to become very excited about continuing the story. I might not be able to write as much as I'd like though, since I'm approaching my final exams. But whenever I feel like I can squeeze in a little bit of time, you can guess what I'll be doing...

Do you also struggle with the white noise in your mind? Do you write, even if you're not technically writing?

My Sunday Update

Good morning everyone! And welcome all the new followers. I hope you all enjoy my blog and find at least a little value in what I have to say...

Right: Let's get to the updates...

Firstly, I just want to brag a little. I have lost...  11 pounds this week! This means that I'm pretty much back to my weight before my great winter gain. I'm ecstatic!

Somewhere in August, I ranted and raved about my economics essay that wasn't going well... It turns out that I got a distinction for it. I was flabbergasted when I got the results, but I'm very happy. It counts towards my final marks, so I've got a bit of a safety net in the event that something goes wrong in the subject.

As for the rest of my studies, I might be a tad busy this coming week, since I have a project to hand in, a big test to write, and a Fencing AGM that I must attend, since I'm the club chairperson. So, I'm afraid that the next time you'll see a new post from me is on Thursday. I'll try to get something posted, but since my mind will be completely focused on my academics, I'm quite sure that whatever I say will a) not make sense, b) be boring c) both. I'm sorry that I'm so inconsistent at the moment and that I won't be getting to many of your blogs, but I'm in test and final exam season now... So think of me please.

Writing wise, I'm spending the next few hours interviewing James before getting back to the academic grind. Callan was surprisingly chatty, and it gave my many insights into who she is that I didn't understand before. James just pushes my buttons. Which is why I'm here. Leaving him to stew.

I really really suggest you try interviewing your characters. Building scenes help you to see how they react. But interviewing lets you see who they are. It's brilliant. I'll definitely interview them again as the story progresses, just so that I can see how they've changed...

What about you? What news do you have to share? Nothing is too big or small for us to celebrate or mourn with you. I am just dying to get to know you all better and hear what's going on in your lives.

Back with a bang.

Good morning ladies and gents! I am so happy to be back.

I am also very happy to announce that I got through the week without much of a hiccup. The only tiny problem was my Carb withdrawals that gave me terrible headaches and nausea for about two days, but by Wednesday I was forging ahead with my work.

I finished my project just on time and managed to get through (and in depth) all of my prescribed work by Friday night. The test went quite well, but it's one of those where I have to wait for the results. Prediction is never accurate.

And.... I lost seven pounds (three kg for the metrically inclined) last week! It was just what the doctor ordered to keep me going to my dream weight of 147 pounds (66.5 kg). I might even lose a bit more this week (fingers crossed) since I have time to do some exercise.

Writing wise, I haven't gotten round to any of my Works in Progress in about three weeks, so I have a muse screaming in my ear all the time. I am planning to get writing again some time today.

Then, I have a questions for the pansters out there. How do you keep your story lines together without planning them ahead of time? I've been thinking about what I want to bring out in my book and I'm feeling a tad overwhelmed by the amount of story that is still unwritten... There's just so much that has to be interwoven that I look ahead and feel a little... well... scared. I sometimes think that I bit off much more than I can chew with this book, but I love it too much to let it go.

Anyone have any advice?

My life at the moment...

I am officially on a diet. I don't particularly enjoy it, but I know that I will when I weigh myself in. But it's quite daunting to think that I have about 36 pounds to shake off. So far I am sticking to it quite well, despite the effects of cutting out 'bad' foods.

I'm going cold turkey on high carb foods, and it's driving me nuts. So much so that I can't study or read anything that requires too much concentration. So... I know that I will have to crunch in my university work until Saturday. So if I don't post, no, I wasn't called back to my mother planet. I might be busy bawling my eyes out, though. This time is roughly the first anniversary of my WHY THE HELL AM I STUDYING THIS!!!! semi-break-down.

I'm in a better place though, but I can't predict the effect of sugar and sleep deprivation, mixed with a strategic management project and an Investment management test.

Point is, I might post in the next few days, but I might not. So please check for new posts, or, some of my newer followers, feel free to catch up on my archive. It isn't big yet and might give you some insights into the convoluted twists of my mind. Then again, it might not. I am that insane.

Since I know that I can't study tonight, I'm just going to spend my time doing something relaxing like... say... writing. And drinking lots of water.

Oh... I'm also contemplating the idea of signing up to become an air hostess. Why? Because it sounds like an adventure. Why else?

I will keep you posted on my progress on all fronts.

Finally, I've been thinking... Something new and different for the blog. I know that we are few, but I really would love to see more interaction.

My idea involves picking a day once a week and everyone interested nominating and voting for a topic, and everyone discussing it in comments. What do you think? Any suggestions?

Standing on the edge... Where do I go next?

So... I'm nervous. So very incredibly, sickeningly nervous.

My graduation day looms closer every day, bringing with it the next phase of my life. Brilliant!

Not brilliant when you have been forced to realize that what you wanted and planned to do, might not be a reality any more.

Due to the fact that my navy application form has in all likelihood vanished already, I am forced to accept that I'm going to have to find something else to do. Sometimes it feels like I'm cursed with constant career uncertainty during my exam times.

You think I'm kidding? Lets look back on pertinent thoughts that occurred during relevant times. Note that this is a summery and by no means fully descriptive....

1st year 1st semester: Am I doing the right course?

1st year 2nd semester: Why the hell am I doing Actuarial Sciences?

2nd year 1st semester: I don't want to do Actuarial Sciences. What do I do? (Wanted to do drama, but was convinced to stay in commerce)

2nd year 2nd semester: OK... Survived the year. What now? (Wanted to do drama, but was forced by ultimatum to continue with my degree)

3rd year 1st semester: Who the hell am I and what do I want to do with my life? I'll join the navy. I apply at this time and if I get called up, I will stop studying.  Anguish waiting to get the reply. Answer no due to functional illiteracy of state doctors...

3rd year 2nd semester: I know with certainty that I will throw myself out the most conveniently located window within ten years if I am forced to stay behind an office desk with nine to five hours. I am studying something that is going to launch me into a career of office desks and 9 to 5 hours. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS *&^$%&$ DEGREE!!!! I want to do drama... no wait... do I even want to do drama? Or is the thought of avoiding regular hours the real attraction here? Oh and HOW IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY do I pass my exams after spending most of my semester in bed with H1N1?  

4th year 1st semester: everything except for swine flu still apply. Once again have no idea what I want to do. So... finish degree and join navy to decide.

4th year 2nd semester: Navy application process debacle. Most likely will not be recruited. Now what? I still have no idea about what I want to do. I want to have some sort of adventure. And my means of doing both is most likely not an option. What do I do now?

You can't imagine how tired I am of all this. I spent my entire university time in limbo. Sure I had fun times, but some times things just weren't good for me. I think you gathered that I was over studying more than a year ago, but I realize that finishing my degree (despite the fact that I will spend my life avoiding its usage) is an important step in my life.

But, as the title implies, it feels like I'm standing on the edge of something while someone is standing behind me ready to push me over. Where will I go? Down? Or will I know how to fly? I hope it's the latter. Scratch that I know it is. The most important thing in my life that I know about myself is this: I was NOT born to be mediocre. So even if I have to grow little wings, fly I will.

In the mean time, the only place for me to go is to my Father's arms. I know that He will lead me to make the right decisions, even if my options are dark and murky, so I just have to wait... But patience is a virtue I have never possessed...

What about you ladies and gents? Anyone else standing on the edge? How do you deal with it? Any advice? Also, any suggestions into what options I could consider will be most appreciated.

A non-poetic ode about Economics.

I generally enjoy economics, but there is one very good reason why I will never do it for an extended period of time:


I HATE ambiguously worded, but secretly limited topics and limited word counts. It's really that simple.


I hate when I do all of my research, read through all of it, formulate a shape for the essay and stumbling across this sparse piece of writing that makes all of my research null and void.


I hate that I discovered this on the day I was supposed to be writing said essay. More, I hate that I had to change topics due to the fact that there is no readily available information on the old one that isn't null and void.


Most of all, I hate that I will finish this post before I've downloaded all of the information needed to write the essay. Then I still need to write it...


Most Most of all... I hate that my planning is flushed down the toilet because the lecturer forgot to point out the significant difference between the financial crisis and the debt crisis. Maybe I should have seen it myself, but due to the fact that it was debt that triggered the former, the mistake seems logical.


Oh... did I mention that it's due tomorrow?