Monday, April 17, 2017

Paralysis

I want to write a blog post today, because I know it's good for me. The thing is, I'm struggling. Maybe I'm burned out, but it feels like my words have become a hopelessly tangled heap of strings, and every string I pull brings out a whole host of strings I didn't want to see.

So I guess the words are there (which is new for me.) It's just that there are too many of them. Too many emotions. But hey, it's April so it's unlikely that a lot of you will read this post anyway. So I get to just air some words and see what comes out. 

The truth is, I feel stuck. I've mentioned that my life by and large sucks at the moment, which is fair enough, but until recently, I've always had writing to give me a sense of movement. As long as I made progress on my work in progress, that was okay, because then I was actually working toward something. 

But that also meant that I have been flirting on the edge of burning out for a long time. And by a long time, I mean basically from March 2014. Maybe even earlier. 

The thing is, that thing I mentioned before with my family member who spectacularly fucked us over... It gave me a good old shove into the abyss, and now I'm here with no idea about how to get out. 

And if I'm honest, I might actually be self-sabotaging. 

See in the aftermath, I tried to sit down and write, because I know it's good for me. Because I need to feel like at least something is moving in the wrong direction and.... Nothing. Like... even the notes I'd left for myself to guide me toward the end of the story feel like some other parson wrote them. When I think about writing right now, I just feel... numb. 

And I hate it. So instead of writing, I spent the most of the past month doing nothing. It's not that I'm lazy per se. I'm still working, editing for people, formatting for people...that sort of thing. But when it comes to doing something for myself, something that could actually get me climbing out of the abyss again, I basically stare at the ladder out and do nothing. 

Maybe I've been knocked down one time too many. And although things are starting to go a bit better, I don't feel better. I feel like life is right there, dancing around and waiting for me to get onto my feet so it can hit me in the face again. And honestly, I don't see the attraction of it. 

Three years. 

Three whole fucking years of this shit. 

Two weeks ago was the third anniversary of getting my rights back from Etopia Press. So yes, it's almost exactly three years since everything went to hell, because the crap with Etopia was the start. And man, I fought. I fought like a lion. Things went bad and I wrote more. 

But here I am now, and I don't know if I have anything left. Because everything I do feels like I'm just setting myself up for more harm. 

So I do nothing. 

I stare without blinking and fill my hours with nonsense. Not reaching for the ladder out of the abyss because I don't want to face whatever is waiting for me up there. 

Because that's one thing I can say about being down here. If I don't think about it too much, the paralysis is at least peaceful.

14 comments:

Author R. Mac Wheeler said...

hugs and prayers

Annalisa Crawford said...

You've had a lot on your plate recently, so it's no surprise you feel like this. You need to take care of yourself, but I know that's hard when you've obviously got so much real life stuff to take care of first.

I hope everything sorts itself out soon x

Botanist said...

So sorry to hear this, Misha. It must be hard to keep going after so many setbacks.

Cherie Reich said...

It's okay not to write. You've had a ton of things go wrong, and you need time to recover from it. So it's okay to do other things. *hugs*

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

What Cherie said. Focus on something else. Find a joy and pursue it.

cleemckenzie said...

Burnout happens and you've obviously had quite a battle keeping it at bay. But look at what you've done! You had a publication. You learned how to fight to get your rights back when the published failed on you. You now have control of that property. I'd take a break, then I'd start querying that book like mad.

You can do it, Misha.

Spacer Guy said...

You've just got to take stock of what you've achieved so far Misha. You've got a lot of bloggy friends and we believe in you.

Andrea said...

Oh...maybe hanging out here is a good idea for a little bit. I have nothing intelligent to add, as things certainly do sound difficult, and chocolate is my only suggestion. We're here!

Juneta Key said...

Take a deep breath. Give yourself permission to feel and do anything you damn well please, even not write. Let yourself cycle thru it. You went thru a bit of trauma - recovery takes time, even once you start healingj that includes emotions.
'Juneta @ Writer's Gambit

Neurotic Workaholic said...

I'm sorry that you've been going through such a difficult time, and I hope that things get a lot better very soon. I think it's okay for you to take a break from writing and focus on other things for now; you can always come back to it later. Otherwise it's just one more thing that puts pressure on you, and you don't need that kind of pressure right now.

Sandra Cox said...

Life and writing can be so challenging at times.
My theory on life: Once you get through the bad stuff(which you will)...sunshine and roses are waiting.
If you feel like writing, capture your emotions on paper and put them to use later. If you feel like taking a break, you've more than earned it, kickback.
Hope things settle for you soon, Misha.

Murees Dupé said...

That is a tough place to be. Allow yourself to feel like crap. But eventually, you have to get up and move forward, even if you're stumbling along at first. But if you need to fall to pieces right now, go ahead. But don't stay there forever. Good-luck.

Tamara Narayan said...

It sounds like a break is definitely in order. Recharging the batteries feels lazy, but may not be. Perhaps some of the emotions and trauma of your life will find a place in a future character's life. When everything turns to crap, reading my favorite books helps, both with feeling better and thinking about what drew me to writing in the first place.

Crystal Collier said...

When I was down in the deepest dumps of my teenage life, my older brother gave me a decorative plaque that read, "One day at a time." It has become somewhat of a motto, occasionally chopped into "One hour at a time." "One minute at a time." "One task at a time." It's easy to get overwhelmed by the whole of what we're facing, but if you can find just one positive in an hour--a beautiful bird flitting by, the laugh of a baby on YouTube, a breath of fresh air... Focus on that one thing. Let it lift you. There's a way out of the abyss. The mind and heart are more powerful than anything that can ever happen to us.

Sending prayers your way, Misha. You're stronger than anything that can happen to you. I know it.