Wednesday, April 3, 2013

A to Z Challenge: Critics

Here for the IWSG post? Click here. Here for more advice for beginning writers? Pull up a chair.

Well, new novelists. A few months into seriously writing a new novel, you're going to discover that you've mutated.

Yeah. Like the X-Men.

You're just not a normal human being any more.

Personally, I think this is great, because normal is... well... boring.

You'll see yourself differently and you'll look at the world differently. And sometimes, the normal people will speak. And you'll think they might as well be speaking Swahili.

But today, I'm going to introduce you to another mutation in the human race. Here's some info I want you to remember.

Name: Critic
Race: Human
Class: Asshole
Language: Bullshit

Description: The critic is a versatile and dangerous natural enemy to the writer. Usually, their calls take one of these forms:


  • So what's your real job? 
  • Do you really think you have something to write? 
  • All the stories have been written already. 
  • But you're not published, are you? 
  • What could there possibly be to writing a novel? (Implication: that you're a prize idiot for taking long to finish writing.)
There are many more, but you get the idea. Their attacks are civilized, but if they hit home, they're absolutely deadly to your muse. Do not. I repeat. Do NOT let their attacks stick. 

Defense: I prefer hitting them in the face with the shovel. But since that's sort of illegal, the better idea is to use sarcasm. Or, if you're the type of person who never gets the snappy come-backs, there's another full proof way to get a critic to froth at the mouth shut up:

Practice the bestest best of your smug wise-ass smiles. Got it? No teeth. It makes you look like a werewolf. Good. 

Now. Repeat after me: 

"Why don't you write a book and then ask that question again? Because right now, you haven't a clue." 

And then you walk away and pat yourself on the back being civilized while putting the critic in his or her place. 

Probably while contemplating a short trip to the garden shed.

So vets. How do you deal with critics?

58 comments:

Al Diaz said...

Either I have not met those specimens or they actually are smart enough to not mess with a dragon. :D

Stina Lindenblatt said...

Knowing my luck, the person would do that, land a great agent the first week of querying, a book deal the following week, and it's a bestseller the moment it's launched. :P

I usually just roll my eyes at these people.

Rachna Chhabria said...

Thankfully I haven't met such people yet.

Rosalind Adam said...

I hate it when people ask me what I do. I mumble it and try to escape. I recently had a very abrupt reply. An elderly lady glared at me when I said I'm a writer and she simply said, "Why!?"

Rosalind Adam is Writing in the Rain

Mama J said...

I very rarely talk about wanting to be a writer outside of my blog and twitter so luckily I don't have to deal with this kind if stuff!

Julie Flanders said...

Haha I go with hitting them in the face with a shovel too.
That's one thing I love so much about the blogging world. Like Mama, I rarely talk about writing outside of this community because of comments like the ones you mentioned.

Tyrean Martinson said...

LOL - the shovel is tempting. Kidbits has a similar post today about "chiding" from critics. I started being "open" about being a writer just a few years ago, and the reactions are definitely varied and intense. "What makes you think you're a writer?" pushed me out of a writing slump one time, so sometimes there is a silver lining in the criticism cloud. I realized after they asked the question that I felt passionate about my writing and I believed in myself - I had been waffling before that. It's odd how that works. I can criticize myself, but someone else . . . no way.

I try not to let negative comments stick to me, but some of them invariably run around in my head like little thought-poltergeists. When they annoy me too much, I go to a list of nice things people have said about writing - ones that I've written up as an ego-booster, and I drown them out with positivity.

I love your response, btw, it's awesome!

michelle said...

...and that's the reason why I DO NOT discuss any "writerly things" with non-writers...
I've also discovered another lot of people who secretly ENVY you for being bold enough to say you are writing a book. But they'll never admit it. Instead, they join the critics...

Nicole said...

I've been lucky to not run into many of those folks.

sassyspeaks said...

this has been a big topic on many blogs. I've decided not to talk about writing except to writers. It's a different language. Of course this leaves me with only one real time friend to talk to.. My fav experience was when a handy man came to the house to fix stuff. "Ya know I've been thinking about writing a book about my funny experiences at work. Everyone laughs at the stories." I lieterally sat him down and explained. He's not gonna write a book - thanks for the vent lol

Susan Scott said...

sassy speaks and all the comments are useful indeed. On my side, I don't 'discuss' this with my friends. In ages past when my book was published, I have to say that sadly they (in my bookclub) were not congratulatory at all, and showed NO but I mean ZIP ZILCH interest at all. No, they never read it. No, they never said when I said I could not attend the next book club because I was going to be away to be interviewed or whatever or talk about my book at a literary function, well, that's great and I hope it goes well etc .. So - I say naught. And no, no-one save for a few know that I am writing another book ...
That's ok ... I am ok with that.
Great post Misha! And SO WELL DONE that your book has been sold!!!!!

Rena said...

Ah, the "What are you doing for humanity?" types. Yeah, I used to run into them all the time when I told them about my research. They'd say stuff like "and how is that curing cancer?"

To which I always responded, "And how are you curing cancer? Why do I have to be the one to do it? Why can't you quit your burger flipping job and go solve the mysteries of DNA."

It's a little different for writers, but art is absolutely essential to the soul.

klahanie said...

Hi Misha,

I'm not a vet and Penny the Jack Russell dog can vouch for that. I will add and I'm still waiting, but I have never been criticised about my writing. Okay, one person was rather silly and told me to use paragraphs when I was actually using paragraphs. What they meant was they wanted me to space out my paragraphs.

Like this..

And this...

Take care, Misha.

Gary :)

nutschell said...

Ooh! Sassy!I love that response. I'd probably hand my critic a pen and paper and say "why dont you write a short story. See if you can handle even that."
Nutschell
www.thewritingnut.com

Unknown said...

Hi Misha,

Thank you for dropping by my blog!

I find that I don't mention that I'm a writer to most people. So few get it!

Since I don't have any friends IRL who write, the way I deal with rude remarks is to commiserate with all my writing pals online!

~Tui Snider
@mentalmosaic
www.mentalmosaic.com/blog

Mel Chesley said...

Every so often I run across the minion of The Critic, the Troll. The Troll can only survive if you respond, so make sure to keep silent. As for The Critic, I'm sure I will cross paths one day. I just hope I can keep my cool and not hit them in the face with the shovel. ;)

Doreen McGettigan said...

LOL.. I love the shovel idea but I don't think they serve chocolate in prison.
I get some strange comments for sure and usually access each situation. Once I tell people my book is the true story of my brothers murder they usually have no comeback.
I can say with all honesty in the year my book has been out the critics and a few fake reviewers, although their words stung at the time they have helped me grow an thicker skin which I'm sure I will need when the next book comes out.
Great post...

Sarah said...

Awww...we really can't hit them in the face with a shovel? But that's what I've been doing...shoot, I probably should go hide those bodies better...

~darts away~

Christine Rains said...

Dang, no shovel. I just ignore critics. They'll always be out there, but we can't let them stop us.

Lan said...

Wish I could pick up a shovel as well but I try and harness that energy into thinking about what it will be like when I do publish. Although I'll probably still get the "oh so I can't find your book in a book shop?" to which I will reply: "When was the last time you were in a book shop?"

Heather M. Gardner said...

A shovel? Too messy.

Critics suck but that's too be expected. Normally I just don't tell anyone what I do.

Great tips!
HMG

Melissa said...

Luckily, I haven't had to deal with many.

My plan is to keep quiet, keep working, and then publish the best darn novel I possibly can. Success is the best revenge. :)

Andrea said...

So glad I wandered in from the a-z as this is fabulous!

MOV said...

This is super-hard. I hate critics. I do not have a snappy comeback, but I wish I did.

I think it is best to not add "fuel to their fire" by engaging at all. I just give a blank stare and walk away. Maybe pretend I don't speak English..........

(I have written 3 books, all published on Amazon.)

best,
MOV

Cindy Dwyer said...

I had one critter from my online writers' group ask, "Who do you think would want to read this?" Implying, no one, in her opinion.

Every drop of blood in my body instantly boiled. I calmed down and then composed a very polite email that said, "Well, from my blog and Twitter followers I see that the type of people who follow me include...." then I went on to detail the characteristics of many of my common followers.

She never critiqued me again. :D

Sheena-kay Graham said...

Critics are a special being.

Talya Tate Boerner said...

For the most part, I ignore comments from critics - most have no idea what they are talking about. I just try not to be my own worst critic...

Marjorie Romeyn-Sanabria said...

My dear Misha, you are brilliant. Race: asshole Language: bullshit. I love it! Keep the funnies coming!

C. Lee McKenzie said...

Do you mean how do I deal with critics after I curl into a fetal ball in a dark closet? Easy. I write them out of existence. :-)

Misha Gericke said...

Probably the latter. :-D

Misha Gericke said...

Lmao this comment made my day.

Misha Gericke said...

You're not missing much.

Misha Gericke said...

Hahahahaha seriously?!

Misha Gericke said...

Yeah. I think part of the problem for me is that I don't try to hide the fact that I write.

Misha Gericke said...

Yeah. The blogging world is such a safe refuge for us writers.

Misha Gericke said...

That's actually true. I also use critics as a springboard to my ambitions. They motivate me, because I hope to one day laugh in their faces.

Misha Gericke said...

Oh yeah. Envy is a huge thing.

Misha Gericke said...

Very lucky.

Misha Gericke said...

Hahaha you did a very good deed, then. :-D

Misha Gericke said...

It hurts the most when the people who are supposed to support you react like that.

Thanks for the congratulations and all the best with your sequel! :-)

Misha Gericke said...

Hahaha your response is awesome. :-D

Misha Gericke said...

Hahaha that is rather silly of that person.

Misha Gericke said...

Hahaha that's brilliant. :-D

Misha Gericke said...

Online writing friends are a great way to deal with a critic's sting.

Misha Gericke said...

Oh yeah. Trolls are just as annoying. Especially when they bring religion into the whole thing. :-/

Misha Gericke said...

Yeah I can imagine that your response would have them stumped. Best of luck with the next book!

Misha Gericke said...

Go go! I'll distract the witnesses.

Misha Gericke said...

So true.

Misha Gericke said...

Lol awesome comeback.

Misha Gericke said...

I don't know why. For some reason, the fact that I write invariably slips out at the worst times...

Misha Gericke said...

Excellently stated. :-)

Misha Gericke said...

Thanks ^_^

Misha Gericke said...

Oh yes! The blank "You're an idiot" stare is another of my favorites.

Misha Gericke said...

Lol well handled!

Misha Gericke said...

Indeed they are.

Misha Gericke said...

Yes. I'll be addressing that particular issue later this month as well. :-)

Misha Gericke said...

Hahaha thanks.

Misha Gericke said...

Ooh... dark...

I love it. ;-)