Monday, October 3, 2011

A little glimpse into my mind today

This is so annoying.

On Friday I decided that it was time for a change, so I went hunting for a new background. (Hope you like it.) I was really excited.  Especially after my first concert went really well.

Then... this happened. To say the least, it's a setback of the first order. For one thing, nothing looks quite as shiny as before.

NaNo is starting to look... unlikely.

As does my chances of getting anything written or edited.

Because if I fail my exam, I'll have to go studying right through November. If I fail that, I have a deans exam in (I think) January.

If I fail that, I'm going to set fire to the text books and dance around it with glee.

Either way. Whether I pass this fucking subject or not, I'm done. There will be no more repeat performances.

My life will NOT be put on hold for another year.

Because fact is. I'm sick to my stomach of trying to understand what I'm supposed to write in tests when the text seems to be irrelavant.

I am sick of the fact that I have to sit down in my exam, wondering if I should write down what I know (i.e. what was written in the texts), or if I should guess what my lecturers want me to say.

I'm tired of being constantly reminded of the fact that this subject isn't about my knowledge. It isn't about how much work I put in. It isn't about fucking anything, because policy will change. The people who pass the course will go on to change it, making everything I learned mean pretty much nothing.

I'm tired of spending hour upon hour trying to prepare for the academic equivalent of Russian roulette. Where the scores you get on the essays are more dependant on who marks it than the actual quality of the work.

I'm sick and tired of fighting to save something that should have been euthanized in my first year already.

My heart breaks at the thought that a time of my life that should be remembered with fondness has become my prison.

That the night I should have celebrated my success has become the night where I celebrate my failure.

Needless to say, I'm now stuck in that place where, if I were a boxer, I'd be lying face down on the boards, waiting for the ref to count me out. If I wasn't so pissed off, I'd probably just stay there.

But oh no. I'm going to get up. And I am going to come back swinging. Starting today.

Because I did not sacrifice another year just to give up now.



19 comments:

  1. I'm sorry you're struggling so much, Misha, but I love your fighting spirit. I know you'll come back swinging and end up on top!!! You can make it through this and come out on the other side.

    And on a side note, the new background is awesome! Looks great and I love the style.
    Take care!

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  2. Oh, this must be difficult. Sorry you're having such a rough go of it. But SOMEthing was learned along the way, even if it wasn't what you expected or hoped it would be.

    Chin up my dear. Breathe in, breathe out as breathing is the only thing we really know for sure.

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  3. Sorry to hear this, Misha; it sounds so frustrating and difficult. Hang in there.

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  4. As rough as things are for you right now, just know that you are an incredible inspiration to all of us, your readers. We admire you for your strength, tenacity and determination. I have faith that things will all work out in the end. You are too strong for them not too. You can do it!

    Sarah Allen
    (my creative writing blog)

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  5. Misha I'm so sorry for how rough things are you for you right now. But you know what? You're still determined! Look at how far you've come this past year, right? You've put your entire self into this course, and that's something to be proud of despite whatever the outcome might be.

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  6. I feel really bad for you, Misha, that you are struggling so hard. Things are looking rough for you,take one day at a time and don't be so hard on yourself. Hugs.

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  7. What you're doing here is great. You're venting out the negative and making room for the positive. You're acknowledging the obstable and working on the way to address it.

    That is the fighting spirit! And with that, you can and will accomplish your goals :-)

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  8. So sorry this happened Misha, try to hang in there. Hope things work out for you, and I have a feeling they definitely will, especially with your fighter attitude. :)

    Love the new look for your blog!

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  9. Hi all! Just wanted to leave you all a quick message to thank you for your support.

    You are all awesome and special ladies.

    X

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  10. The background is fabulous! Nice and angry red to match the ass kicking you'll do to those tests. Nothing like rage sometimes to be the most powerful motivator over a hump.

    I'm praying for you, keep fighting! When you pass there will be much squee'ing and confetti throwing on twitter.

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  11. Drop the course and take it again in the spring. Do not let it destroy your GPA. If you got an F and the best you can hope for is a passing grade (A "D" in the American system)...that fucking sucks. Drop it like a hot potato and pretend it didn't exist. You need to do damage control at this point and stop worrying about the fact that you failed. My advice...admit that you failed. Fine. Now it is time to do damage control--as much as possible as soon as possible.

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  12. Oh Misha, I'm so sorry. I hope all things work out for you.
    Nancy
    N. R. Williams, The Treasures of Carmelidrium

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  13. I'm so sorry Misha; I can tell you are extremely upset and I sincerely hope you get through this quickly.

    Please take good care of yourself.

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  14. Love the new background for the blog. Very stylish.

    I'm sorry to hear about your set back. However, I'm glad to hear that you sound more determined not to let it keep you down.

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  15. Angela Brown took the words right out of my mouth. Recognize the crap and then let it go and move on.

    It's a journey, and life throws obstacles at us just to make it interesting. If it isn't this, it'll be something else.

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  16. Yuck! I hate those kinds of classes. Where the "right" answer just depends on the teacher's philosophy and relates in now way to real life.

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  17. Oh yeah, love the attitude. Nothing that's valuable ever comes without some pain and suffering. Keep your chin up, my friend.

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  18. You'll get through this and one day the good will be far more memorable than the bad. You are accomplishing so much (and I only know about the stuff you share on your blog) - hang in there!

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  19. Can you talk with your professor to figure out what exactly went wrong? Can you ask for a repeat? (I know, sounds like a nightmare!!!) And I know you're sick of fighting, but maybe you can put those boxing gloves on and whip that test's ass. Either that...or the teacher! Kidding. Maybe.

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