Monday, July 11, 2011

Solitude

Today is just one of those days.

Where no matter what I do, what I eat, I feel... I don't know.

And I don't know why.

Yesterday was a wonderful day, spent soaking up the rare winter rays and visiting some of the most beautiful places in the region.

One would think that my writer's soul is singing with glee. But no. Instead, I have this weight on my chest that I can't define. Something like a combination of frustration and an intense desire to be alone.

Not just alone. Completely alone. That alone I get when I'm sitting at a restaurant without company. Or when I'm the only person in an entire movie theatre.

That alone.

Not lonely. Just... In my own space.

I feel bad when I feel like this, because I already push my family out when I'm writing with my earphones firmly on.

But all that does is make me even more aware of the fact that I'm with people.

And as bad as it makes me feel, I'm being stifled.

Slowly but surely. Because I know that if I were to mention the fact that I need to go somewhere to be alone, it will trigger arguments, wounds and recrimminations that only get to me more.

Maybe I should just wait for it to pass.

How do you deal when unexpected feelings press up against you?

24 comments:

Cathy Webster (Olliffe) said...

Er, I don't deal very well. Let's hope you deal better than me!
If I were you I'd just quietly seek some alone time ... maybe go to that restaurant or that movie theatre, or take a walk, or crawl into bed and have a nap... your body needs what it needs.

Ciara said...

It is difficult when you have a family. When I was younger this wasn't a big deal but now, well, it is. I try to do something fun with the kids then go for a time out on my back deck. This is a difficult thing to deal with. Just know that tomorrow will be a little brighter. *hugs*

Jessica R. Patch said...

Sometimes, I feel like that. I don't want anyone around for any reason. Don't wanna talk to anyone and I can't explain why I feel that way. Hormones? Who knows?

I write. I put my earbuds in, stay in my pajamas, because I don't even want to spend time in my clothes. :) It passes.

Sometimes, I crank up music, or pray for a few minutes. Mostly I wait it out.

Danyelle said...

*hugs* Being a writer is rough.

For me, it helps to either talk or write my feelings out. The good thing is that the feelings usually pass, but it's hard in the meantime. :(

Hart Johnson said...

I LOVE that completely alone thing. I find a walk in the woods is the very best thing for it... a little commune with nature. Sorry you are feeling in a funk about it.

Bish Denham said...

Oh Misha, I know this feeling well. I'm not sure that drowning it out with noise or the hubbub of crowds is the thing to do. I've learned these moments are a time to be still and quiet and meditate.

When you can, even if it's only for 5 or 10 minutes, sit comfortably and concentrate on your breath. Breathe in, breathe out. Fill your lungs, exhale fully. Feel your heart beat. Feel/hear the blood in your ears. As thoughts arise notice them but don't linger on them. Thoughts will always arise. Simply return to your breath. In becoming aware of your breath you become aware of your life. And that is all that is really, truly important.

Madeleine said...

Try going for a long walk somewhere with trees /water. It will do the trick. I have the same strange urges sometimes and a good walk helps to clear them :O)

Maria Zannini said...

On days when I want to be alone and can't, I take mini breaks. I'd find an empty office, or a park, or a library (the law books aisle always seemed empty). The place doesn't matter as long as its free of humanity. I think we all need that from time to time--if only to clear our heads.

Michael Offutt said...

Go do some cardio for about an hour. That blood pumping will get your brain back in balance I think.

erica and christy said...

I think that's pretty common in the depths of winter... Once in awhile, I'll ask my husband if I can shop by myself (this NEVER happens unless I specifically ask) and then I go to a sit-down restaurant by myself and feel perfectly comfortable lost in my own thoughts for an hour. Even if the waiter looks at me nervously and the people around me stare a bit. :)
erica

Amy said...

I have days like this too. On these ones I can't get settled onto working on one thing, even though I want to write. Most times, at the end of the day I get nothing done, and wish that I had.

One thing that keeps my spirits up, is my daughter. She has enough toddler energy for the both of us, and doesn't give me the chance to get to down. *hugs*

Steph Schmidt said...

I go have my alone time with restrictions. I head out to the track behind my house for a few hours. Running out that feeling gives me the perfect excuse (I'm exercising! You don't want to see the fat jiggle) and a finite time limit for how long I can have my alone time.

Compromise is really good in these situations. Limit how long you're totally alone and then afterwards go do something with family/friends. Or they become really cross.

nutschell said...

I think you might be suffering from city-nausea. Okay, so I just made that up. But I think you should definitely take some time alone. Go to a nearby park, or go hiking up the mountains or something outdoorsy. The great outdoors is a vast landscape and is great at making us feel solitude.
nutschell
www.thewritingnut.com

Odie Langley said...

I am afraid you are what I call between a rock and a hard spot. It's tough when there is family and yes they usually don't understand and will only make matters worse but I think you need to communicate with them and at least try to get a little alone time to sort things out.

beth said...

I have no idea. I've been dealing with this one alot, because most of the time the weather is not great here and it affects my mood more than I realized.

I found a gym I liked that helped. I don't have any great suggestions though. Just hang in there

Madeline Bartos said...

Gah, I feel like this. Especially right now. I tried to throw myself on the couch and watch part of The Order of the Phoenix, but that didn't work. I think I'm going for a run. It's winter where you live though, but you can still get outside, right? Good luck getting out of your mood. Hopefully tomorrow is better!

Jessica Hill said...

I get this feeling a lot. That off feeling that you can't really described, but just feeling like you're being stifled, like you're trapped and you just have to get out. Unfortunately, I've never found a way to deal with it other than veggie out on the couch for a day.

Hope you feel better!

Talei said...

Oh gosh, yes. I love being alone, I crave it sometimes that I wonder if I spend too much time writing or blogging. It's good to take a break and re-focus methinks. In any case, you're not alone on feeling like this. Maybe its because we surround ourselves with characters from our stories, we never really feel truly alone anyway.

Hope your week gets better too! ;-)

Danette said...

Hi Misha, Having one of those days myself and I don't usually have those days in summer but there is some other stuff going on... anyway, I am a crier and wind up crying about stupid stuff. Doesn't give you any help does it? At the moment I am trying to get something more positive done so I should get writing, if I can!

LynNerd said...

If your favorite music doesn't snap you out of it, sleep works wonders. It's not only a great escape, but it does a body good. If you have trouble sleeping (insomnia sucks), take a Benadryl to knock you out. It's hard when you have a family. When my kids were small, a few times I just had to get away, and lucky for me, my husband understood. I checked into a hotel for a night just to be alone. I read. And slept. And then wished I wasn't alone! Go figure!

J.L. Campbell said...

Hi, hope that 'aloneness' has passed. When I get like that, I try not to think to much. I read, which usually lifts my mood.

Joe Robinsmith said...

Oh, I have days like that. I was trying to use work outs as an answer. Like Michael and Steph both said. A good sweat usually makes me feel better and more likely not to bit someone's head off. However, when that's not possible, I just try to get through the day as best as able. And yes, winter can have a more adverse effect on these types of feelings.

Rebecca Bradley said...

I know this feeling. I like alone time. If i'm feeling so out of it, that's when you see me withdraw a little from the online world. I don't tweet regularly or interact much on my Facebook. I just don't seem to have the words.

It does pass though and it's just a matter of taking care of you and waiting it out.

Deniz Bevan said...

Sometimes solitude is necessary, though, to recharge the batteries. Reading - or rereading a favourite book - usually gets me back on track.