I've been thinking recently. (Yes, I know. Veeeery refreshing.)
Anyway. My poking at my dark(ish?) side made me realize something about how I write. I do terrible things to my characters. Horrible, twisted things.
I've let children die. I've made beloved wives cheat on husbands. I've mangled characters' bodies.
But... I don't delve into my own psyche. I don't actually go digging around in my own fears and insecurities when I'm writing.
I guess I've spent so much of my life building walls to hide the weak spots that I forget that they're there. It's a long story as to why, but I've made a habit of acknowledging my faults and fears without exploring them.
I know where and what they are, but I don't go into the whys and how it feels. Instead. I build around and over. I camouflage and distract. I poke at them from a distance.
Fact is, I hate being afraid.
So much so that I made myself forget how.
Maybe that's why I took to doing things that scare me. Yes, it always feels like such an achievement to beat the fear. But now that I think about it, that feeling of fear is something invigorating that I don't experience often.
I just push it down too far.
But not today. As it turns out, one of my characters has some back story that gives him a phobia that I have. It also happened that he would be forced into a situation that would be his worst nightmare. As I wrote the scene, I remembered my own terror. My heart went beating at a dull thud as I described a part of me that I hide from myself.
It hurt a little. It drained me completely. And I think it was worth it. But I'll have to see. Other readers might not see quite as much as I did. So odds are that I'll have to go there again...
Do you ever go delve those deep places to come up with something to write? Am I perhaps the only one that doesn't write from there?