Monday, September 13, 2010

Standing on the edge... Where do I go next?

So... I'm nervous. So very incredibly, sickeningly nervous.

My graduation day looms closer every day, bringing with it the next phase of my life. Brilliant!

Not brilliant when you have been forced to realize that what you wanted and planned to do, might not be a reality any more.

Due to the fact that my navy application form has in all likelihood vanished already, I am forced to accept that I'm going to have to find something else to do. Sometimes it feels like I'm cursed with constant career uncertainty during my exam times.

You think I'm kidding? Lets look back on pertinent thoughts that occurred during relevant times. Note that this is a summery and by no means fully descriptive....

1st year 1st semester: Am I doing the right course?

1st year 2nd semester: Why the hell am I doing Actuarial Sciences?

2nd year 1st semester: I don't want to do Actuarial Sciences. What do I do? (Wanted to do drama, but was convinced to stay in commerce)

2nd year 2nd semester: OK... Survived the year. What now? (Wanted to do drama, but was forced by ultimatum to continue with my degree)

3rd year 1st semester: Who the hell am I and what do I want to do with my life? I'll join the navy. I apply at this time and if I get called up, I will stop studying.  Anguish waiting to get the reply. Answer no due to functional illiteracy of state doctors...

3rd year 2nd semester: I know with certainty that I will throw myself out the most conveniently located window within ten years if I am forced to stay behind an office desk with nine to five hours. I am studying something that is going to launch me into a career of office desks and 9 to 5 hours. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS *&^$%&$ DEGREE!!!! I want to do drama... no wait... do I even want to do drama? Or is the thought of avoiding regular hours the real attraction here? Oh and HOW IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY do I pass my exams after spending most of my semester in bed with H1N1?  

4th year 1st semester: everything except for swine flu still apply. Once again have no idea what I want to do. So... finish degree and join navy to decide.

4th year 2nd semester: Navy application process debacle. Most likely will not be recruited. Now what? I still have no idea about what I want to do. I want to have some sort of adventure. And my means of doing both is most likely not an option. What do I do now?

You can't imagine how tired I am of all this. I spent my entire university time in limbo. Sure I had fun times, but some times things just weren't good for me. I think you gathered that I was over studying more than a year ago, but I realize that finishing my degree (despite the fact that I will spend my life avoiding its usage) is an important step in my life.

But, as the title implies, it feels like I'm standing on the edge of something while someone is standing behind me ready to push me over. Where will I go? Down? Or will I know how to fly? I hope it's the latter. Scratch that I know it is. The most important thing in my life that I know about myself is this: I was NOT born to be mediocre. So even if I have to grow little wings, fly I will.

In the mean time, the only place for me to go is to my Father's arms. I know that He will lead me to make the right decisions, even if my options are dark and murky, so I just have to wait... But patience is a virtue I have never possessed...

What about you ladies and gents? Anyone else standing on the edge? How do you deal with it? Any advice? Also, any suggestions into what options I could consider will be most appreciated.

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